So on Thursday we learned that it took the Directors Guild of America (DGA) less than a week to cut a deal with the Alliance of Motion Picture & Television Producers (AMPTP) while the studios continue their unique negotiating tactic of non-negotiation with the striking Writers Guild of America. The walkout now ends its 11th week of holding Hollywood hostage, with no end in sight, the warring parties still caught in the "Your mama's ugly -- and by the way, so's your daddy!" cycle of discourse.
This bodes rather poorly for an imminent settlement of this contentious stalemate, as you might well imagine. The lack of production already is impacting what we see on television in that only "reality" shows are still being made, since they (nudge-nudge/wink-wink) need no writers -- at least, not officially. The remainder of the 2007-2008 primetime season is already as good as toast, and it ain't looking so good for 2008-2009 either as pilot season begins to slip away.
The potential for new scripted product is contingent on producers coaxing scab labor off of the picket lines, a disheartening and hopefully unlikely development. That being the case, all we would have left by next fall are copious amounts of unscripted originals and knockoffs, game shows and recycled repeat programming from TV seasons past dusted off from the archives. Pretty grim/slim pickings, all in all.
As perhaps a means of helping persuade Big Media to get back to the business of trying to bang out a real agreement, I present forthwith a sampling of what we can look forward to eight months from now as a cobbled-together TV season kicks off in September. (You may want to clear the room of small children, pregnant women and the elderly, as it is breathtakingly intense.)
MONDAY
8 p.m. "The Mentally Ill Say the Darndest Things!" (CBS); "To Catch a Senator" (NBC);"Dancing with SARS" (ABC); "America's Most Audited" (Fox); "Heroes of Facebook" (The CW)
9 p.m. "You Bet Your Kids" (CBS); "What Not to Lick" (NBC); "Something Where Regis Talks About Himself and Gives Away Money" (ABC); "The Next Pointless American War" (Fox); "Repossessing Spaces" (The CW)
10 p.m. "Brad Grey's Anatomy" (CBS); "My Name is Berle" (NBC); "Ron Howard Presents: The Best of 'Happy Days'" (ABC); "Viagra and Cialis Nightmares" (4 hrs., Fox); "Dead Things" (The CW)
TUESDAY
8 p.m. "Child Slavery (CBS); "$100,000 Name That Suspect" (NBC); "Just a Whole Mess of YouTube Videos" (ABC); "Bulimian Idol" (Fox); "Please, Mr. Surgeon, You Must Fix My Hideous Face!" (The CW)
9 p.m. "CSI: Beverly Hills Deli Counter" (CBS); "Scabs" (NBC); "My So-Called Guild" (ABC); "Are You Smarter Than a Striking Writer Who Doesn't Understand His Best Deal is On the Table Right Now and About to Go Away Forever?" (Fox); "Amish in the Ghetto" (The CW)
10 p.m. "Criminal Mimes" (CBS); "My Parents Need to Be Arrested Immediately" (NBC); "I Be Chillin' with My Peeps" (ABC); "So You Think You Can Panhandle" (Fox); "This Whore House" (The CW)
WEDNESDAY
8 p.m. "Voice Lessons with Hillary Clinton" (CBS); "I'll Give You a Million Dollars If You'll Just Shut Your Piehole!" (NBC); "Extreme Makeover: Personal Hygiene Edition" (ABC); "My Big Fat Obnoxious Gastroenterologist" (Fox); " America's Next Top Accountant" (The CW)
9 p.m. "When Animals Play Good Cop/Bad Cop" (CBS); "Law & Order: Special Repackaged Episodes Unit" (NBC); "Ugly Betty/"Sleeping Beauty" Digital Crossover) (ABC/ABC Family/Disney Channel); "What the Hell Did Jesse Jackson Just Say?" (Fox); "Busted Pilot Theatre" (The CW)
10 p.m. "M*A*S*H" (CBS); "Celebrity Waterboarding" (NBC); "Desperate Midwives" (ABC); "Illegal Alien Autopsy" (Fox); "Gilmore Girls Gone Wild!" (The CW)
THURSDAY
8 p.m. "Murder, She Illegally Wrote in Shameful Defiance of Her Union Brothers and Sisters" (CBS); "Meal or No Meal" (NBC); "Who Wants to Be My Special Friend?" (ABC); "Picking Up Dry Cleaning For the Stars" (Fox); "Humiliation Nation" (hidden camera) (The CW)
9 p.m. "Paranormal Tonight" (CBS); "Clash of the Network Reality Show Editors" (NBC); "Nanny Swap" (ABC); "Temptation Synagogue " (Fox); "Previously Written For the WB and UPN Hour" (The CW)
10 p.m. "Survivor: Bedford-Stuyvesant" (CBS); "My God Can Kick Your God's Sorry Ass!" (NBC); "Whose Kid Is It, Anyway?" (ABC); "The Real Prostitutes of Orange County" (Fox); "Own a Piece of Barack (paid political)" (The CW)
FRIDAY
8 p.m. "The Candidate Whisperer" (CBS); "Donald Trump Says Lots of Infantile Stuff, Mostly About Rosie O'Donnell's Weight" (NBC) ; "America's Wackiest Home Invasions" (ABC); "Where's Rupert?" (Fox); "My Name-a Borat, and I Like We Do Sexy Time Very Much" (The CW)
9 p.m. "World's Most Insufferable Clip Shows" (CBS); "What Would Seinfeld Do?" (NBC); "Product Placement Playhouse" (ABC); "Honey, Let's Get Divorced" (hidden camera) (Fox); "Television Writers: Portraits of Shame" (The CW)
10 p.m. "People Aged 18 to 49 Sitting Around Talking About Things of Enormous Interest to Nielsen Ratings Families" (CBS); "Last Cleric Molesting" (NBC); "Oprah Winfrey Presents: Oprah in Pictures, Poetry and Song" (ABC); "Prison Bake" (Fox); "A Dr. Phil Special: Hold Me Close, Britney Spears" (The CW)
Let's all hope this can be prevented. A medium, after all, is a terrible thing to waste.
Read more about the strike on the Huffington Post's writers' strike page.