Spoiler alert: Do not read on if you haven't seen Season 3, Episode 18 of Bravo's "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills," titled "Shot Through the Heart."
Bravo, I am begging you from the bottom of my heart: Please get rid of Faye Resnick and Marisa whose last name I can't even bring myself to remember even though her late father-in-law was a really famous producer. PLEASE. You have infused this season with so much Faye ridiculousness and Marisa irrelevance and then combined the two in tonight's climactic moment that I can't help but find myself at my breaking point. On behalf of myself and the world, please rid them from your season 4 filming plans.
Moving right along. Tonight's episode featured a serious dose of "RHOBH" drama, and while the ladies acted (and even described themselves!) as high schoolers, I just can't seem to break down the craziness that was episode 18 into a high school poll. There was just too much going on that needs to be sorted through and discussed. So let's get to it.
Tonight we visited Vanderpump Manor where Ken and Lisa discussed their housewarming party that also included the obligatory "Real Housewives" vow renewal. Lisa made it clear that she didn't want to have her vows renewed and lamented her distate for public proclamations of love. "I'm better when it's about somebody else," she said, which is exactly the kind of thing people who love to be the center of attention say. I know this because I'm one of them. I see right through you, Vanderpump! Then Giggy peed on the table that probably costs more than my apartment.
Over at Adrienne's castle, the Maloof-Hoofs planned some huge party for her red velvet vodka called ZING ... because when I think of World War II era-flavorings mixed with vodka, the name ZING immediately comes to mind. Then some naked ladies got hosed down with red paint.
Adrienne made chef Bernie (who allegedly sells stories about Lisa to Radar Online) prepare food for a massive party in the dark so the cameras could focus on the ZING bottle's bizarre day-glow effects that honestly made it look like a dorm room lava lamp. Adrienne also insisted that someone wearing a red, satin glove stand behind a massive floral arrangement and hand incoming guests shots of vodka, because that's a normal request.
Meanwhile, Lisa (who skipped Adrienne's party) and Brandi (who was not invited) had massages. Lisa's friend Martin arrived and groped Brandi. Ken mounted Lisa and looked like he was trying to slip in some anal sex before dinner time. So basically things were going really well for everyone in the Hills of Beverly.
Back at Adrienne's estate, viewers got a tour of the wacko event. I'm having trouble articulating the absurdity but imagine a failed, satirical attempt at a Cirque du Soleil performance with dancers who had no discernible talent but were just skinny people who swayed from side to side in the nude under heat lamps. I think that's kind of what Adrienne's party was like. There was also a monster of a person dressed in shrubbery on stilts, to whom Paul asked, "Are you really that tall?" Idiot.
For some reason, Paul opted to get sprayed with brown shit-colored paint and happily announced that the paint was making him look thinner. Okay, which is worse? Looking like an average, out of shape middle-aged man with some fat rolls, or looking like an actual walking turd? I'd go with the former, but I'm not from LA. In any event, Paul dressed up like a tree branch, joined the fiesta, Adrienne called him "pathetic," and then they filed for legal separation.
During the party, Marisa told the ladies that she didn't know WHY Brandi would suggest Marisa and her husband give each other a hall pass one night. Marisa said her marriage was amazing and she never talked about how much she didn't want to bone her husband who looks like Rick Santorum. She pointed out that her marriage doesn't need "spicing" up because "Dean wants to have sex every single fucking day, okay?! It's annoying." Hm. Okay. Things sound great then. Proceed.
"The only thing I do in front of everybody is joke when guys are hot and it would be great to like sleep with somebody new. I'm not saying that I'm not going to be with my husband or I'm going to go cheat!" Marisa said. Okay that is EXACTLY what it sounds like when she "jokes" -- IN FRONT OF HER HUSBAND -- that she would rather sleep with other men. I can't even write more on the topic because it's that dumb. And I don't have particularly high standards.
As the women defended Marisa's sick sense of non-humor and trashed Brandi, Yolanda stepped right up to the plate and suggested Marisa simply ask Brandi why she would advise her and Dean to give each other a hall pass. Then Marisa said that both she and Dean actually think Brandi HAS A CRUSH on him and I almost broke my television. I just can't.
A few days later, the Vanderpumps held their housewarming party. I think Lisa has phenomenal taste -- especially when it comes to floral arrangements -- but that heart-shaped, rose-covered alter situation was pretty horrendous. As the ladies arrived at the party, they took a moment to acknowledge the news of Adrienne and Paul's separation. Kyle did this whole "I feel bad for them because they got separated and it had to be on TMZ" thing, but isn't that why they all joined this reality show in the first place? So that publications like TMZ would take interest in their lives?
Meanwhile, Yolanda discussed how much she wanted a private plane (see music video here) and explained just how much strength it takes to be a subservient wife. "I'm only driven by romance," she said. "Some women think that if you are obedient to the man, then it's weakness. It's not weakness. It's strength." Make it stop.
Yolanda then had her crowning moment. She pulled Marisa in front of Brandi and made her tell Brandi how she talked shit at Adrienne's party. It was glorious. Marisa backtracked and Yolanda just continued to call her out. This is probably the only way I will ever enjoy watching someone like Marisa on the show -- as Yolanda's punching bag -- and that's just not nice.
Faye interrupted the conversation. I honestly supported Marisa getting some back-up (I started to feel bad for her), but NOT FAYE! Brandi told Faye to leave. Faye said that she's "involved with everything" like the creep that she is, and then uttered the line that she'd been cooking up all season: "No matter how many Chanels you borrow, you will never, ever be a lady." Yolanda called Faye "bullshit" and "pathetic." She took Brandi by the wrist and walked away.
AND scene.
There we have it! What did you think of tonight's episode? Did I leave anything out? Are you prepared for what I imagine will be a half epic/half boring 2 hour "RHOBH" event next Monday? Sound off on the comments below!
"The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" airs on Mondays at 8 p.m. EST on Bravo.