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How to Lull Your Infant Into a False Sense of Security So They'll Sleep

09/03/2014 11:34 am ET | Updated Nov 03, 2014
  • Reductress Reductress.com, the one and only fake women's news magazine

This post originally appeared on Reductress.com.

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Getting a baby to fall asleep is hard, especially when you consider the harshness of the bleak world they've been suddenly thrust into. As generations of mothers have done before you, use these maneuvers to lull your infant into believing in the artifice of love and safety that surrounds them.

Speak in Soothing Tones
An infant's sense of hearing is fully developed at birth. So speak in your most convincingly soothing voice, tricking your baby into believing you truly care for her and she isn't a total stranger who you are unable to relate to on any level. Make her feel as though she is loved while she's still young enough to fall for it.

Change His Diaper
A wet diaper can be uncomfortable; what better way to soothe that discomfort than by setting up the expectation that the world is a clean, calm and orderly place where your baby can expect all wrongs to be righted?


Kiss and Hug Her
Infants thrive on skin-to-skin contact, as it allows their bodies to share the same beneficial bacteria on your body. This deceptive sense of closeness also masks your intense desire to turn back time and reclaim your childless life. You still have many years until she understands the concept of regret.

Praise Him
Praise your infant's strength and intelligence for every little accomplishment such as a burp, or fart. Lull him into the false belief the he is capable and might not die without your constant care and attention.

Feed Her
Your baby was born hungry, and may never know a day without a hunger for something more that what you feed her. But bedtime feeding can sublimate that desire within her by feeding her the illusion of contentment.

Practice a Routine
Nothing instills a baby with confidence in the world like predictability. Employing the above behaviors consistently will have your baby feeling relaxed and comforted by the illusion of dependability, and completely unaware that all is not as it seems.


At the end of the day, there is no sure comfort for any of us in this dark and foreboding universe. Luckily, your baby is too infantile to fully appreciate that cold truth.

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