THE BLOG

The STBs Will Suck You Dry

05/27/2015 02:37 pm ET | Updated May 27, 2016

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Does your career match what you envisioned it would look like? Are there things you expected that haven't happened? Do you torture yourself about those things? They have a name: the supposed-to-bes. I call it the STB tool, and your inner critic uses it to drain your energy and destroy self-love.

In fact, there are no supposed-to-bes. You weren't supposed to be employed, a VP or famous. You are. That is all. What happens to us is a matter of determination, hard work, and chance.

The STBs are nasty little buggers. They manifest as a song of self-doubt with the chorus of the whining why. Ah, the why. She's the meanest nastiest chorus there ever was: "Why aren't you [fill in your blank]?" The STB tool is unleashed to imply that you are unworthy. That you have failed. That you are solely responsible for the thing you're lamenting.

So why do we sing along? Because we believe that we are 100-percent responsible for what it is that we are missing in our lives.

Please excuse me if this sound obnoxious, but you're just not that powerful.

I believe we have powers beyond our understanding, that visualization can have a true and lasting positive effect, and that applying for a job is a first step toward the realization of a dream. And I believe that shit happens, or doesn't happen, that we can't control, no matter how hard we try.

Embracing our powerlessness is freeing. This concept is so completely contradictory to most people's sense of self that it takes them by surprise each and every time they embrace it. And most people have to embrace it repeatedly, learning anew time and again. I know I do.

I'll state it slightly differently: We have the power to influence, and not control, what ultimately happens in our lives.

What job you may find is the result of your tenacity and those higher forces at work. Feel free to call it God, the universe, the powers that be, luck, chance -- whatever works for you. But you have to admit there's something else going on here that influences the outcome.

If this scares the pants off you, then you have my compassion. If this makes you feel sad, then I want to share another insight: It takes the pressure off you to deliver the job in the expected time frame and manifestation.

Embracing the unknown while simultaneously pursuing the vision is the path to enjoying the ride. There's one more step to embrace, and that is to allow the vision to evolve as time passes. That high-paying executive job may turn out to be your own business from your living room.

The more we wallow in STBs and the whining whys, the more distracted we are from enjoying our time on this planet. Even if you believe we are reincarnated, this life is the one we're in right now, so let's not waste it.

Give yourself the greatest gift of self-love and worthiness. Be present with what is and acknowledge that we have the power to influence, and not control, what ultimately happens in our lives. Take the pressure off to deliver and open up to new visions and ways of being. There's a huge and varied world out there waiting for exploration. Go explore and love thyself completely.