THE BLOG

Kings of the Hill: Taking Shots

02/03/2015 04:06 pm ET | Updated Apr 05, 2015

"Taking Shots" is Rep. Israel's latest submission for his regular Huffington Post column, called "Kings of the Hill," which offers humorous dispatches from inside the halls of Congress.

"I've heard of many tragic cases of walking, talking, normal children who wound up with profound mental disorders after vaccines. ... I think the parents should have some input." -Senator Rand Paul, 2/2/15

"Parents need to have some measure of choice in things as well, so that's the balance that the government has to decide." -Governor Chris Christie, 2/2/15

Sen. Rand Paul said he would abolish the National Institutes of Health and the National Cancer Institute and replace them it with a "Department of Not Going Into Chilly Air With Wet Hair."

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Governor Chris Christie today announced that his choice for Surgeon General would be "my Auntie Ida, who always said that the best way to cure a wound is just let it dry out in the fresh air, even if the air is in Newark."

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In an address on the Senate floor, Senator Rand Paul insisted that the decline of America's post baby-boom population could be "reversed in one word: Yams!" The senator told colleagues, "Everyone knows that eating yams helps you have twins. Just look at the villagers of Igbo-Ora in Nigeria. It's like the Brady Bunch in Africa! My YTC's [Yam Tax Credit] will put two kids in every home and a yam in every pot." The National Association of Yam Growers immediately endorsed Paul's proposal.

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Governor Christie clarified his remarks about allowing children with puss-infected open wounds to "air them out." The governor's office issued a statement later on Monday morning stating, "The Governor believes bandaids and topical wound care products are part of public health protection that should be balanced with personal freedoms." Christie also noted, "My kids, when they got a little scrape, got a bandage and a dab of antibiotic. Plus a slap in their tear-snot-nosed faces for being freaking cry babies."

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Entering the fray over public health protections and personal freedom, Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee today said that listening to Beyoncé could lead to permanent facial disfigurement. "When children listen to her, they screw up their faces and make silly expressions. Everyone knows that they could get stuck that way! My advice is for America's kids to listen to Ted Nugent."

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In a speech to the Teaneck Association of School Nurses, Governor Chris Christie unveiled his "Just Spit It Out, Jersey!" campaign. Christie said, "It's a proven fact! If you swallow gum it will sit in your stomach for seven years! Now sit down, shut up and spit it out!"

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Under fire for opposing measles vaccinations, Senator Rand Paul proposed a bold alternative. "My 'Apple a Day, America!' Initiative will provide means-tested subsidized apples to children between 12 and 15 months, with a second apple four weeks later. However, parents will be allowed to submit Apple Conscience Exemptions if they harbor any moral or ethical concerns with apple consumption." The Tea Party Express immediately blasted the idea, calling it "a perverse take on Common Core in our schools."

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Governor Jeb Bush, who has been losing traction in polls because of his silence on measles vaccinations, today proposed a new "Federal Agency Working Group on Feeding a Cold & Starving a Fever." Bush said, "The sequencing of the human genome has brought us to new medical frontiers. But parents should have the ability to offer chicken soup in lieu of potentially harmful and unproven inoculations." Bush's plan was praised by the National Association of the Few Kosher Delicatessens Left in America.