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Rev. James Martin, S.J.

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How to Love Your Enemies

Posted: 03/30/11 01:24 AM ET

Here's a joke: A priest is giving a homily based on Jesus's command to love your enemies.

"Now," he says, "I'll bet that many of us feel as if we have enemies in our lives," he says the congregation. "So raise your hands," he says, "if you have many enemies." And quite a few people raise their hands. "Now raise your hands if you have only a few enemies." And about half as many people raise their hands. "Now raise your hands if you have only one or two enemies." And even fewer people raised their hands. "See," says the priest, "most of us feel like we have enemies."

"Now raise your hands if you have no enemies at all." And the priest looks around, and looks around, and finally, way in the back, a very, very old man raises his hand. He stands up and says, "I have no enemies whatsoever!" Delighted, the priest invites the man to the front of the church. "What a blessing!" the priest says. "How old are you?

"I'm 98 years old, and I have no enemies." The priest says, "What a wonderful Christian life you lead! And tell us all how it is that you have no enemies."

"All the bastards have died!"

Most of us, sadly, go through life with, for better or worse, and no matter how hard we try, a few people we may feel are our "enemies." Or, more broadly, people seem to hate us. There are people whom we've offended and to whom we've apologized, but who refuse to accept our apologies. There are people at work who we've angered, who are jealous of us or who have set themselves against us. There are people in our families who hold a grudge against us for some mysterious reason that we can never comprehend. And there are people who seem to dislike us or wish us ill for no good reason. It's a sad part of human life.

And it's a hard part of life. And sometimes, when we hear Jesus telling us to love our enemies, it seems to make things even harder.

In the Gospel of Matthew (5:38-48), Jesus contrasts what his disciples had heard in the past with what they must practice as his followers. "You have heard that it was said, 'An eye for an eye.' But I say to you offer no resistance to one who is evil," he says. "You have heard that it was said that you must love your neighbors and hate your enemies. But I say to you love your enemies." Jesus is trying to move the disciples beyond what they knew into a realm of practice that will help them follow Jesus, to live according to a new law, the law of love.

But there's a problem: it seems impossible! How are we supposed to love our enemies sincerely? Are we really supposed to pray for ... whom? For people who hate us? For people who work against us? For people who want us to fail? It seems almost masochistic -- a surefire recipe for psychological disaster.

A few things might help us understand what Jesus means. Now, I'm not going to water down these passages, but as in all the Gospel narratives, it's important to understand the context of Jesus's comments, and how they may have been understood in his time.

For example, when Jesus talks about someone turning the other cheek, many Scripture scholars feel that he's talking about a particular act. The Gospel of Matthew specifies that the "right cheek." This means the blow comes from the back of the assailant's left hand, and therefore constitutes an insult not a violent assault. So some scholars say that when Jesus says the "other cheek," the idea is that when you're insulted by a slap on the cheek you should turn away and not retaliate. It's not so much an invitation for someone to keep hitting you as it is for you not to retaliate. So that may help us understand things.

Likewise, the word Jesus used when he talks about loving your enemies is not the same word that is used in other discussions of love. In ancient Greek, the language of the Gospels, there are three words for love: first, philios, which was a kind of fraternal or friendly love (and where we get the word Philadelphia) and second, eros, a romantic love.

But the word Jesus uses here is the third kind of love, agape, a sort of unconquerable benevolence or invincible goodwill. We're supposed to agape our enemies. Jesus is asking us to agape people no matter what they do to us, no matter how they treat us, no matter how they insult us. No matter what their actions we never allow bitterness against them to invade our hearts, but will treat them with goodwill.

So it doesn't mean that we have to love our enemies the same way that we speak about "falling in love" with someone or the way we love our family members. It simply means we must open our hearts to them.

And pray for them, too. In my experience, it's easier to agape someone you dislike (or who dislikes you) when you pray for them. Because when you pray for them, God often opens your heart to seeing people the way that God sees them, rather than the way you see them. And you can often have pity for people who may be filled with anger toward you.

But even when you understand all these things, and even if you read Scripture commentaries, these remain difficult things to hear. Even harder to follow. Loving your enemies and pray for those who persecute you is hard. In my life I've found it probably the most difficult thing to do as a Christian. Many years ago, for example, I lived with another Jesuit who simply refused to talk to me. He despised me. And I couldn't figure out why and efforts at reconciliation failed miserably. No matter what I did, nothing changed his attitude.

Over the course of many years, in light of that experience, and in light of meditating on the Gospels, I realized three things about loving your enemies.

First of all, some people may simply dislike you. So it's useless to try to "get" them to like you, much less to love you. It's useless to try to change them. You can be open to reconciliation, but you have no control over whether someone will reconcile with you. Part of this process is embracing your own powerlessness. Letting go is paramount.

Second, turning away from insults, hatred and contempt and "offering the other cheek" is emotionally healthy. Now, some schools of psychology say that you should always give vent to anger (rather than let it fester) but always responding with vituperation or vengefulness is rather a childish thing to do. Only a baby gives vent to his or her anger all the time. You can acknowledge your anger, perhaps express frustration you have in a calm way, but you don't have to respond in kind.

Basically, and to put it less elegantly than Jesus, if your enemy behaves like a jerk toward you, there's no reason you have to act like a jerk toward him.

Third, loving your enemies and praying for those who persecute you is liberating. Too often we can find ourselves in pitched battles with the people who hate us, always seeking the upper hand, always noting who's up and who's down, always analyzing every slight. You see this in families and even in office environments, where people are trapped into cycles of vengefulness. It wears both parties down and dehumanizes everyone involved. I've seen couples, for example, whose marriages are utterly destroyed by the inability to forgive; the two become like scorpions in a jar. Jesus is offering us a way out of all that.

So what Jesus is telling us is hard, but it's not impossible. And it's necessary, too, because ultimately he is inviting us not only to forgiveness and charity but to something else: freedom and happiness. So you have heard that it was said, and you have heard that it was said to you by Jesus, who wants you to be happy.

 
 
 
Here's a joke: A priest is giving a homily based on Jesus's command to love your enemies. "Now," he says, "I'll bet that many of us feel as if we have enemies in our lives," he says the congregation...
Here's a joke: A priest is giving a homily based on Jesus's command to love your enemies. "Now," he says, "I'll bet that many of us feel as if we have enemies in our lives," he says the congregation...
 
 
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HUFFPOST SUPER USER
IFany
move forward or die
10:33 PM on 04/08/2011
Before you go and start loving you enemies, learn to love yourself, then you can dispense with the feeling that everyone is worthy of your love because some are not,
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TYRANNASAURUS
UGH!....people don't taste good.
06:05 PM on 04/05/2011
How To Love Your Enemies....................WHY?
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HUFFPOST SUPER USER
califson
He who throws dirt loses ground
03:55 PM on 04/02/2011
In my life time, which is some 70 years, never have I witnessed a movment of the spirit like right now. I have seen Christians crosssing denominational lines and working side by side for the welfare of the needy in our community. One positive that has come out of the economic downturn has been the willingness of people to offer help to others. I am disappointed by some of the very rude and vile comments I see on HP from non believers, that you dont see on other sites. We are all in this thing together and God loves everyone the very same, so we are to love those who hate us.
10:22 AM on 04/03/2011
"God loves everyone the very same"

I have no transparent God as you do, but this IS the point. You and I and the serial killer are all equal in God's eyes. Real love is not possible from a position of self-righteous superiority.
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TYRANNASAURUS
UGH!....people don't taste good.
06:06 PM on 04/05/2011
Is love scientifically provable?
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HUFFPOST SUPER USER
EdRea
What you do is your 'prayer'.
01:38 PM on 04/02/2011
The man of knowledge must be able not only to love his enemies but also to hate his friends.

- Friedrich Nietzsche
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HUFFPOST SUPER USER
Terri Lorz
04:56 PM on 04/01/2011
Forgiveness is freeing. Terri Jo Lorz
04:51 PM on 04/01/2011
G.K. Chesterton once said, "The Bible teaches us to love our enemies, and to love our neighbors, because frequently they are the same people."
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iLdoRight
Encouraging The Rightest Rightness
05:28 PM on 03/31/2011
I heard someone say, "A friend is someone who always does what is right for you, whether that is what you want them to do or not", It would be nice to have a friend that knew all the right things to do and was willing to always be ready to take that stand. If we were all to try to do what is best for those who do not like us also (perhaps in a cautious way, to avoid hurt) the World, (or its people) would become better.
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HUFFPOST SUPER USER
Gisela McClean
Mainz 05 Fan
03:58 PM on 03/31/2011
Don't make me love Republicans now!
de-meme-ing
Buying USA Feeds USA, Supports/Preserves USA
04:18 PM on 04/01/2011
Don't worry they think the same.
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HeevenSteven
20 Minutes into the future.
01:39 PM on 03/31/2011
I've seen other interpretations that turn the other cheek means moon your enemies;-p
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HUFFPOST SUPER USER
Klarsonent
Semi-retired landlady, small business entrepreneur
12:42 PM on 03/31/2011
Thank you Rev. Martin, for a good article. You explained the complexities very articulately. Yes, we all experience people who dislike or even "hate" us for seemingly no reason at all. I agree that we are to love them with agape love. It's almost like dealing with a young child who has a tantrum. If you don't pay too much attention to them, they will find out that they are not getting anywhere, and they eventually will stop their tantrums. It's about the law of cause and effect. What you put out to the Universe is what you will get back. In other words, it's called "sowing and reaping," in the Christian Bible and it's called "karma" by the Eastern religious persuasions. Same thing and same consequences. And in your final paragraph, you put it suscinctly, "And it's necessary, too, because ultimately he is inviting us not only to forgiveness and charity but to something else: freedom and happiness."
10:16 AM on 04/03/2011
"It's almost like dealing with a young child who has a tantrum."

How does one love looking down?
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HUFFPOST SUPER USER
Klarsonent
Semi-retired landlady, small business entrepreneur
12:05 PM on 04/03/2011
Since I am the Mother of five, I brought up this child rearing example. Sometimes, what seems to be a harsh discipline is in reality a loving gesture. By disciplining your children you are loving them. Without discipline, they will not be able to face the real world when they get out on their own.
09:43 AM on 03/31/2011
"The Gospel of Matthew specifies that the "right cheek." This means the blow comes from the back of the assailant's left hand, and therefore constitutes an insult not a violent assault." I wonder how well MLK Jr's strategy of non-violent protest would have gone, if he had told his followers to remain non-violent only for verbal insults, and not actual physical violence.

Ask a Christian why they support our wars of aggression. They will tell you that it's because Jesus wasn't talking about people over there. He meant your neighbor, or the guy at work.

"And you can often have pity for people who may be filled with anger toward you." But I don't really think Jesus really said that you should look down at your enemies and pity them because you are better than they are.

Personally I think it's just about not worrying about who's right and wrong or on top, and just accepting that we are all bits of flotsam being blown about by the wind on the sea of life and we are all in this thing together. But for a Christian that is a very hard thing to do. Christianity has developed into a religion that is all about being right and on top. It even claims to have the absolute answers to life. It seems to have very little to do with what Jesus said.

.
de-meme-ing
Buying USA Feeds USA, Supports/Preserves USA
10:58 AM on 03/31/2011
" Christiani­ty has developed into a religion that is all about being right and on top."

Absolutely! And correctly. Shall Christianity follow, and if so, who? Shall they be on the bottom, crushed and ruled by others? What does the rule of "others" look like?

"Man cannot live by bread alone, but by every word that procedes out of the mouth of God"

THRIVE!

Christians are not supposed to settle for surviving, but thriving. Jesus was very clear in his teaching against extremism. Jesus was not an extremist and commands us to challenge extremism. Extremism is best challenged in debate.

No, Christians do not have to take it laying down. Do they do not have to accept violence against them. They are challenged to "change" because life is "change", or it's dead. Christians are challenged to "change" the law when the law is unjust, and irrational. Christians pick and choose, or we would still be stoning people, cutting off their hands, or releasing murderers onto the general population as Cain was.

Christians are to advance in knowledge, not regress. Christians are called to be Co-Creators, not slaves.

Christians cannot change by bread alone, but by everyword that procedes out of the mouth of God; iow's.....Did God say? Did he?

If God is irrational, are His people? If the people are irrational, is God? Is God irrational, or the people? And if not, why is it about us, or what we believe about God that is?
10:15 PM on 03/30/2011
Love your enemies as I have love YOU. Were  all enemies of God. We are all sinners, who have broken the laws. WE fight that battle every day, within ourselves to choose what is right and good.
We all know what is good for ourselves, but we all choose the other.  When we become spiritually mature, we will come to know that the  real enemy is YOU, ME. Until we conquer the ev 1l wars within ourselves first, for one cannot give what is good, until one has it, for themselves first. 

When we become ONE within ourselves, meaning our, mind, heart, soul and strength, all wanting the same Will & Desire, to do only what is good,  then we come into the perfection of Holiness, become, ONE with God. For God is ALL HOLY. Thus the meaning to me, God said: A house divided (us) cannot stand.

Our mind tells us one thing, to do, tells us this is not good, and this is good,  but our heart wants to do another, good,  but our strength is weak and we choose, what is not good. Example,  Like we smoke, or some like to fight, jealousy, etc, our mind knows it is not good for our health, our heart knows it is not good, for us, but our weakness, in the flesh, wins, the battle, and we continue to so, anyway.  The desire of the  flesh, the enemy (not good) wins over our Heart and Mind. Some days our mind wins, and the other 2 loses. Sometime  our heart wins over the other 2. But when our mind, heart, soul and strength, all have the same,  Will and Desire, only chose what is all good, then the enemy within us, loses the battle, we conquer the enemy with us. Then we can give what is good and love to others, we have to LOVE ourselves first.
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HUFFPOST SUPER USER
nenitaB
Not the talk. What good result would it hav
08:28 AM on 03/31/2011
'Love our enemies' The initial reaction is 'why?' How can I love someone I hate? Funny. hard and impossible. Yes of course, yet as a believer and a follower of God it's not impossible. Choosing between to love or not your enemies , which one would give you relief, peace or happiness ? Wouldn't you feel great, holy or divine, as the saying ' to err is human, to forgive, divine.' So loving ones' enemies is is forgiving them , mistakes or fault done unto you. Trust in Him, love Him , follow Him and He will do the same unto you.
de-meme-ing
Buying USA Feeds USA, Supports/Preserves USA
07:23 PM on 03/30/2011
Physical violence is against the law. Backhanding someone is violent. It is against the law. If someone physically strike you in any manner, walk to the nearest phone and call the police.
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OneFish
Various and assorted mutualistic microbial buddies
05:19 AM on 03/31/2011
You have a right to defend yourself if someone strikes you. If the likely outcome is in your favor, get your licks in then call the coppers, if the risks are high remove yourself and make your call.
06:37 PM on 03/30/2011
Funny joke but then it was somewhat downhill from there ... What is actually meant by Love thy enemy is that if you don't you are still in error (sin). It's as simple as that. Someone who is truly a Christian will not direct their anger at anyone but will be honest about it & find the reason for it. This takes humility & honesty. And he/she will never feel anger is justified. As Jesus said, "Anger is in the bosom of the fool." This is what a true Christian would do. Pray as to the cause of their anger. Of course, most people aren't true christians, nor are they true anythings. Religion is about pretending to be good. No one is really interested in actually growing in Love. Read James Padgett's Book of Truths or RJ Lees' books. Then you will begin to see how religion has gotten it all wrong.
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OneFish
Various and assorted mutualistic microbial buddies
05:21 AM on 03/31/2011
The concept of sin is pretty silly. How you face an enemy is a matter of risk analysis, not some sort of moral challenge from God.
10:52 AM on 03/31/2011
Sin is best described as being out of harmony with Love. We want Love. It is really what we want to experience when we chase sex, drugs, alcohol, porn, co-dependent relationships & any number of emotion numbing activities. What we really want is Love. So it is not about a moral challebge to see if you can be good. God knows that loving behavior will need to the greatest amount of happiness for us & the most harmony for all of us living with one another. That is why there are consequences not punishment for acts of unloving behavior & that includes towards ourselves.

Is that really so silly ?? What I feel from you OneFish is a desire to avoid how unloving (i.e. sinful) you have been ... go there just for a moment to see how painful that is .. then you will realize your true motivation for saying that "the concept of sin is pretty silly" ...

Best of luck to you on your journey ...
05:05 PM on 03/30/2011
Do not love your enemies. Just keep your eye on them.
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gregory57
Micro-bio, was one of my favorite classes.
05:20 PM on 03/30/2011
Keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer - Sun Tzu "The Art of War"
10:18 PM on 03/30/2011
Good, way to keep an eye on our enemy, is to hold up a -mirror-in front of oneself and look  at the enemy, straight in the eye.
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OneFish
Various and assorted mutualistic microbial buddies
05:22 AM on 03/31/2011
Speak for yourself.