The Reverend Billy Position Paper On Banks

05/20/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011


Register the bank branches/ATMS with the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta, Georgia!

The Reverend will release a new report that shows that there are so many identical bank logos everywhere that New York City children are getting lost walking home! "It's disorienting not to have anything that's different," one mother said to the candidate. "We can't figure out where we ARE anymore."

The infection of our neighborhoods is so great that transnational banks must be registered with the Center For Disease Control before the plague us wipes out entirely.

The candidate points out: "This is the effort by the banks and corporations to monetize every step of our walk across the city. We must guarantee our citizens a view of the cityscape that is ATM-free, bank logo free, and our children must be free of the message to Spend, Spend, Spend. Consumerism is boring and dumb."

"Can we have a Change-a-lujah! Let's zone out the branches, and tax the banks for their real estate expansion. The city subsidizes chain stores with hundreds of millions annually."

"New York needs neighborhood credit unions that keep money in the community. If you're not comfortable giving a warm hug to the person behind the counter at your financial institution then GET OUT. Financial wizards talk about an 'ownership society'...well here's one: let's own our banks! They will be too LOCAL to fail."

The candidate pledges to campaign in ATM lobbies throughout the five boroughs with neighborhood children as part of an education program on the moral and financial perils of "easy cash." "These services are often loans with pernicious fees, yet, the money is offered in a sea of seductive products on billboards, bus shelters, magazines and magazines. As leader of the "Church of Life After Shopping," Rev Billy has cast the devil out of ATMs across the country in high-profile "Exorcisms."

"First, we must de-mystify these things. They are not neutral, these ATM environments. They skew our values and isolate us in our own neighborhoods. And, the money we invest in these banks, as we know, doesn't find its way back to our communities. It stays in mysterious hedge funds, off-shore accounts, and CEO's play money."

The Devil!

(Photo by TW Collins On Flickr)