I am a proud, social security card carrying member of Generation X. In high school, I dressed in the latest grunge fashion (plucked fresh from the bins at Goodwill), and drove my beat-up Honda Civic in the rain while listening to REM, Pearl Jam, and Nirvana. My fellow Gen X'ers and I remember fondly the fall of the Berlin Wall, Nancy Reagan's "Just Say No" campaign, and the debut of Michael Jackson's Thriller music video.
We were an independent generation, adaptable to change. Many of us came from divorced families, and found it normal to split our time between two homes. We lived in households where both parents worked and were often labeled as "latch-key" kids. Watching our parents work tireless hours at jobs they didn't like, we embraced technology and education, vowing to do what we loved, on our own terms, with a reasonable work/life balance.
And then we began to procreate.
In contrast to our upbringing, we resolved to be a more constant presence in our children's lives. Many of us, now as mothers, are now staying home, sacrificing career and economic prosperity to be the one to do the drop-offs and pick-ups. We read every new parenting book, determined to raise our children with all possible opportunities and advantages. By the time the children are two, they are enrolled in ballet, soccer, gymnastics, music and art class. Our kids are constantly praised for their efforts and are repeatedly told how smart, talented, beautiful and special they are.
And this is how we raised the "Me" generation.
The problem is that these children are now dependent on their parents. They have become accustomed to their moms and dads holding their hands through each major decision, and many of these young adults now call home multiple times a day for guidance. College professors are fielding phone calls from parents wanting to discuss their child's grade on a paper. Managers complain that this generation is so unfamiliar with criticism that they are nearly impossible to train. This generation truly believes that they are exceptionally smart, talented, and beautiful, and therefore unprepared for the real world.
So, what do we do? As a mother of toddlers, how do I combat this trend and raise independent children, while still being an active participant in their childhood?
Lori Gottlieb, author of How to Land Your Kid in Therapy, offers many suggestions to find this balance. Here are a few I intend to follow:
Allow the child to fight her own battles. Imagine a common preschool scene. You witness another child grabbing a toy from your little one. As much as this may trouble your mama bear instincts, resist the urge to interfere. Give your child the opportunity to problem solve for herself. If she can't manage to get the toy back, let her feel the frustration.
Don't be the parent that demands her child be invited to all birthday parties. Life is unfair, and not every kid is going to like your child. Help the child cope with the disappointment of being excluded instead of saving her from all possible unhappiness.
Let them experience failure. Sometimes you try to climb a new play structure and fall. Sometimes you study really hard for a test and still get a C. Sometimes you strive to be everyone's friend and nonetheless, these is still that one girl who continues to spread rumors. This is life, and it should also be childhood.
Recently my oldest, Elana, tested me on just this. She advanced in her swim lessons to the next level and was finding herself in a difficult position -- she shifted from the best in her class to the worst. After the first session in the new class she sweetly pleaded with me, though teary eyes, to be moved back to her old group. "It's too deep. I'm scared. I don't like the teacher." While part of me hated seeing her sad, I knew that this was an important lesson for her. "Whenever we try something new, we often suck," I explained, "but, without sinking, we never learn to swim."
Follow Rhiana Maidenberg on Twitter: www.twitter.com/marriedwtoddler
It definitely resonates and it inspired truckloads of converging testimonies. I just finished translating a book that brings this point home: http://wp.me/p25R6x-5J
The loss of intellectual commitment is indeed a much fearful outcome for Generation "Me"
across 500 years of written Roman missives, y'know what the most common theme was?
" kids these days..."
'What's the world coming to'
'This new generation just doesn't...'
'in my day we never...'
Same old solipsism of every generation thinking theirs was on the beam and those ever since are going to heck in a handbasket...
The secrets to unspoiled kids are simple.
Only tell them once... If that doesn't do it, get off your tired, worked-all-day behind and MAKE them do it.
Do Not make them the center of your life... Your mate should be the center of your life... Your children will move out one day...hopefully your mate will not.
Try to figure out what they are after with any given behavior... If you approve of their strategy, allow them to succeed... If you don't, then frustrate their objectives until they try a strategy of which you do approve.
Arrange for them to spend as much time as possible socializing with you and other adults in informal friendly settings. They learn to be mature in their relationships by SEEING mature adult relationships.
And lastly... BE the kind of person you want them to be... They learn by example, not rhetoric.
Parental hypocrisy Harms them.
But even if you are right, it took Rome 700 years for generational dissipation to cause their culture to collapse?
I think the US might not have that much to worry about if we only have 500 years to go.
I happen to be lucky. I grew up in a free environment that allowed me to fight my own battles and celebrate my own victories with my friends. I now have two 8 year olds', and we moved out of the big city to the small country in order to give our kids that kind of freedom to live and play and fight their own battles. I'm also a pretty big part of their lives, but then, so were my parents. I enjoy it. As I said, I'm pretty lucky. Its too bad we can't get this country moving in a direction so that more people can have the opportunity I had and have. Its no guarantee for success, or happiness, but its what I know. I'm just not into "play dates".
I remember when I was 5, walking out of my house after breakfast and not showing back up again until dinner without anyone knowing where I was all day. In the streets we learned self reliance, friendship (real, not manufactured), and how to deal with pain. My parents praised me when I was good and hit me when I was bad. They taught me to respect my elders and other people's property. They taught me that women were stronger then most people gave them credit for and should be shown the same treatment and respect that I would expect others to show me. Since they were broke they also taught me that if there was anything I ever wanted for myself I had to earn it (I had a paper route when I was 7, mowed lawns, etc. to get the money for things I wanted).
In other words, they taught me what it takes to be a human being.
Parents always want something better for their kids then what they got. Since then we've stopped letting them run loose and have to know where they are constantly. Stopped hitting them, Given them everything they want. Reward them for things that should be normal instead of making them strive to be better.
Yeah, we've made their lives a lot better then our's were. Or did we?
Gen X 1963-1982
Gen Y 1983 - 1999
Gen Z 1999-
Give or take 4 years
Who ever came up with time outs and reasoning with a child was so wrong! When I was told once to do something or why what I did was wrong and I chose to do the exact same thing a second time, a quick spanking and/or a scolding was what I got. Things were taken from me that were important but my parents did that so I had time to think about my disrespect.
If I wanted anything "special" it either came for birthdays, Christmas or I had to earn it myself. My first car was bought by earning money babysitting, delivering newspapers, or detasseling corn in the summer. There were never any give me's. Now you may say that was then...mothers stayed home and that is not true. My worked 5 days a week, 8 hours a day and maybe we had chores and responsibilities because of that but it made me who I am today. A strong independant woman! Thanks Mom!