Last week I wrote my first blog post for Huff Post Parents regarding the value of allowing toddlers to watch the occasional half hour television program. Numerous readers left comments ranging from "Thank you for being the voice of reason," to " If you're a bad mother like this lady than your kid is probably better off being raised by television." Wow! If admitting that I utilize the sporadic Max and Ruby episode can cause so much controversy, I can only imagine the remarks I would receive if I blogged about my elder daughter's refusal to eat any non-beige food.
Last January I made the New Year's Resolution to stop judging other parents, or at the very least, to judge less. I decided on this resolution while eating lunch with my husband at a small Japanese restaurant in my small Oregon hometown over Christmas break. Ted and I were enjoying a nice bowl of childless udon noodle soup, when a charming family, made up of two young children, two parents, and a set of grandparents, sat at the table next to us. The children were perfectly behaved, and the parents brought along a wide array of toys and books to keep them occupied. However, when the kids' teriyaki chicken arrived, I felt a pang of disappointment, and I admit judgment, when the mother pulled out of her purse a bottle of organic soy sauce to sprinkle on top of their meals. Really, I thought, is the occasional tablespoon of conventional soy sauce so harmful that it necessitates lugging around your own person bottle?
But then, I tried to assess the circumstances from a different perspective. Maybe the son has some obscure and deadly allergy to the chemicals used when farming traditional soy beans? Maybe the daughter has developed a strange attachment to that particular brand of soy sauce and throws her own private exorcism when approached with rival brands? Or maybe, it just wasn't a big deal for the mom to toss the bottle in her purse before a sushi outing. When given the choice between conventional and organic, don't I always opt for organic? And most importantly, why do I care?
Why do I care? And, why do parents, in particular mothers, judge each other so frequently and harshly? In order to help turn my own behavior, I decided to delve more closely into why mothers criticize, instead of support each other. Here is what I found:
1. We judge because there are a thousand and one expectations placed on mothers and we don't know how to sort through the pile of pressure labeled as "advice". When one friend had to stop breastfeeding her infant child after numerous months of coping with a low milk supply, a worried playground mother expressed her concern that the daughter would be left behind in school from lack of the wonder liquid. Another suggested that she lie naked in bed with her daughter and allow her to nurse on demand until her milk supply increased. While these remarks are at the least obnoxious and at the most devastating to a new mother, I hesitate to declare that these mothers intended to be cruel. Like all of us, maybe they too are struggling with the enormous demands of parenthood and are also stressed with the task of raising children, possibly even their decision to continue breastfeeding a two-year-old.
2. We judge because it's extremely difficult to put ourselves into someone else's shoes. I cannot count the number of times I have been told by strangers at the grocery store to put a hat on my child, or she will catch her death of a cold. What these well-meaning passersby do not realize is that it took me twenty minutes to negotiate zipping up the coat, and another ten to agree upon shoes, so unless my family wanted to eat a can of black beans for dinner, a hat would have resulted in a total and complete annihilation of the shopping trip.
3. We judge because we are all unsure that we are actually doing this whole parenting thing correctly. The mothers at the park who cast disapproving glances at you while you sit on a bench reading your People magazine are worried that they may be overly involved with their own children. When they see a mother whose child can play freely on his own, they may become anxious that their own children are too dependent on them, and maybe even a bit jealous. (Who wouldn't love to read a magazine instead of pushing a child on a swing?)
4. Which bring me to this: we judge because we are jealous. The whole sleep training issue (to cry-it-out or not to let cry) is wrought with both anxious parenting and jealousy. At least three times a year my local parenting listservs are overloaded with an intense debate about how (or if) to sleep train. The parents who have sleep trained their babies worry that their decision was wrong, maybe even selfish, and these parents tend to judge those who oppose the method as overly attached, or interdependent, in order to find solace in their own decision. Similarly, those who are against crying-it-out judge those who do. They claim that letting a baby cry is similar to neglect/abuse and that these children will grow up with severe attachment disorders. Could these parents actually be jealous of a household where everyone gets at least 8-hours of uninterrupted sleep? By voicing disapproval, maybe they feel more vindicated when waking up with their baby every two hours?
5. We judge because at the end of a hard day, it is easier to admonish the neighbor's parenting style than deal with the tantrums our own children are throwing. It requires far less effort to criticize the mother whose toddler is throwing a colossal fit in aisle #3 after being told "No, you may not have a package of tampons. Just because it's pink, that does not mean you need them," than to handle the fact that you had to buy three boxes of cereal, two packages of cookies, and a gross amount of cheddar flavored crackers to keep your little one from melting down.
6. We judge because we are terrified that the mistakes of others could happen to us. Two years ago, only a few miles across the Bay from my home, and a stone's throw away from my brother and sister-in-law's house in Oakland, a father left for work and drove to the BART station near his home, forgetting to first drop his infant son at daycare . Apparently, he was on "auto-pilot" and went about his usual routine, which did not involve swinging past the daycare. Later that afternoon, the mother called the daycare to check-in and discovered that her son was never dropped off. Frantic, she raced to the BART station, only to find her son dead in his car seat. When we first hear this story, as parents we need to judge this couple. How could anyone forget their baby? Was the father drunk, stoned, or just an imbecile? In truth, the couple is just like us, a middle class family with two educated parents. The tragedy in the event lies not only with the death of the young baby, but the bold reality that this could easily have been us, or may someday be us. We judge the family to make this situation less painful to bear, so that we can distance ourselves from this type of heartbreak.
So dear readers, I ask you to join me in my pledge to stop scrutinizing other people's parenting. Together lets vow to look at every situation from the eyes of the other parent, who may be having a hard day, may need a little break from her children, or may be on to the correct way of parenting. From this day forward let's swear to keep our mouths shut and our minds open when we see a toddler with soda in his sippy-cup. Who are we to tell another mother what is healthy when our own toddlers are insisting on only eating foods that begin with "B"? I know that this resolution may prove very difficult for most of us, especially because I have neglected to tell you the foremost reason we judge - mostly, we judge because everyone else is wrong.
Follow Rhiana Maidenberg on Twitter: www.twitter.com/marriedwtoddler
Thank you for the considerate column. I'll try to be mindful of my own judgement of other parents!
PS Most soy sauces have gluten, my GF carries gluten free soy sauce for her gluten intolerant son, that might be what was going on in your restaurant :)
People used to be really really poor. Society was 98% agricultural. Children were beaten and verbally abused. Problem children did not exist because they died. Look up "Victorian Baby Farming" and get an idea of the value formerly placed on a childs life.
Most mothers today really care about how their childs safety and how their child is raised. Perhaps a little bit too much. I personally am scared to let my children now 7 and 9 play outside without an adult present because I don't like my neighborhood. And I'll probably be judge for that one day.
Children are far more precocious, nasty and ill-mannered. Parents are too neglectful, permissive and lazy; they'd rather have someone else to blame than admit irresponsibility and indolence.
Children are, at the heart of it, relatively immature compared to their adult counterparts, and need to be guided. Freedom and independence are things that need to be gradually given to a child over its development from infancy to adolescence.
Bad parenting during a child's infancy is what makes children jerks during their adolescence; everything is connected and consequential.
My parents always spoke of how in our infancy we hardly cried or proved to be a general pain. We had routines and rules; we ate what was at the dinner table; read what was allowed; slept when told; but allowed other freedoms. They bought us things they could afford and when we deserved them. I wasn't allowed to have an e-mail address until I was in my 6th grade, a mobile phone until I was 16, a personal laptop until I was 18. When I was old enough, I had the independence I demanded and deserved.
There's a loss of innocence.
Now, to the point of judging someone for using organic soy sauce - that's just stupid. And if women are going to judging each other over inessential things, it only silly and immature.
You have the same 'memory' of routines and rules as I do. I parent in much the same way. One would assume that many of our children will have similar memories.
Do children adhere to the rules implicitly and consistently throughout childhood? A critical onlooker such as yourself who probably isn't a parent, would see that this is not the case in ALL of these childhood circumstances. It is memory that is at fault.
Most mothers of today are juggling far more than our mothers could ever conceive of. Todays mothers are expected to shadow their childrens' movements to a much higher age.
I remember having much more freedom and independence at a much earlier age than my own children have now. At the age of 6 and 7 I was playing with friends for 'the Day' without parental supervision. Taking off on my bicycle and going wherever I pleased, and we generally played unattended. We were required to be home for supper, and we were. Maybe it was the independence and self reliance that is the recipe for good kids. And in that respect your whole theory is wrong. Maybe it is today's 'excess' parenting that is to blame.
In any event, it is only your current perspective. That is certain to change as you go through the various stages of adulthood.
Writing about myself, I meant to say, though we had restrictions, they were balanced with other freedoms. For instance, when I hit my teens, there wasn't once I came back home from a party earlier than 12.00 pm. But, I wasn't allowed to wear skimpy clothes or use dark lipsticks. Balance and trust. At 5, my father wouldn't speak to me because I was afraid to attend a party where I didn't know anyone.
I'm sure my mother had problems- but those were regular problems that all mothers deal with and resolve eventually. To-day, they simply don't know how to parent in the 21st century cultural and technological context.
I mentioned independence and freedom being gradually given to 'children'. Not in terms of 'where and when to cycle' but when and what to watch on TV/internet.
Excess parenting? I'd say confused parenting. Either they're too paranoid about children going astray with the trends outside their homes, so they want to put them on a permanent leash, refusing to evolve their parenting style during adolescence, OR they are excessively permissive because of some new pop culture liberal non-sense the media teaches them.
With cultural/technological changes, childhood does get re-defined every decade or so, but with parenting to-day, it becomes easiest to blame celebrities, video games, internet and television for everything wrong with kids.