The Internet Is Actually Your Great Grandma Doris

04/02/2015 04:52 pm ET | Updated Jun 02, 2015

The Internet seems like it is always changing and is always on the forefront of new technology, but when it comes down to it, the Internet always has been and always will be our Great Grandma Doris: absolutely lovable but also a bit stuck in her ways and ultimately someone who you think twice before bringing to an upscale restaurant. Stick with me here.

First of all, the Internet has been a bit senile and doing this thing lately where it forgets the natural passing of time. Essentially, the Internet is our Great Grandma Doris sending us five dollars for our birthday three times a year and then surprised to see how much we have grown. It's okay, Internet. We all make mistakes. While triple the birthday money is almost always welcomed with open arms, why is the Internet so obsessed that time passes and people age? Should we truly be surprised that a child star who was five the last time we saw them now looks like a 20-year-old because the person is indeed 20 years old? The Internet is Doris pinching your cheeks, showing your friends the pictures of you in your diapers or naked in the bathtub and not recognizing your new found adulthood.

Also, there's no denying that Great Grandma Doris is kind of racist and can sometimes be a bit rude. And truly, so is the Internet. This one needs no further explaining, just read a few YouTube comments and you will understand. While we should not stand for this, we sometimes just accept it and say, "Ah! Just Doris being Doris."

Great Grandma Doris wants nothing more to set you up with her best friend Gladys's grandson and before that, it was her tax attorney. She is the original Tinder, OkCupid, Match, Christian Mingle, and would it be far off to say that Great Grandma Doris has a higher success rate?

Pinterest! This needs no explanation. Pinterest is essentially Great Grandma Doris's craft room. Woman knows her way around a needle and thread.

Next, Great Grandma Doris does have an endless list of stories to share from her years growing up. But, take her stories with a grain of salt, as over the years details may be hazy and hey, maybe she is just bored and is making things up as she goes. Hate to break it to you, but chances are, she didn't actually lose the role of Letter Turner for Wheel of Fortune to Vanna White (dream job, by the way). Regardless, both Doris and the Internet should be fact-checked. On that note, Great Grandma Doris has embarrassing stories about you that she has no qualms about sharing. Hate to say this, but so does the Internet.

All in all, the Internet is your Great Grandma Doris. She is a huge gossip, she says what is on her mind, and she is a questionable party guest, especially after a few drinks. She remembers the Beatles in their prime, worships Betty White, and is obsessed with real-life murder mysteries and Family Feud. She somehow knows all your business and always accidentally tells your mom. Thank you, Internet. Thank you for being all of our Great Grandma Doris. Now, please stop sending me chain emails that threaten my love life.