Pit Bullshit

05/22/2015 03:02 pm ET | Updated May 21, 2016

Over the course of the past two weeks I have been noticeably grumpy. That is, grumpier than my normal self.

I've had my "reasonability" questioned, by my wife.

And I've been called "somewhat abrasive", by my neighbor.

And so I feel compelled to take my case to the court of public opinion.

Granted I've been known to embellish in the past, mostly for literary purposes, but today I will do my best to present the facts. And only the facts.

My next door neighbor, whose house is a mere 10 feet from mine, is the proud keeper of two pit bulls. I know there are many of you who will jump to the defense of this maligned breed and point out their inherit good naturedness.

I'll have none of that Pit Bullshit.

Two years ago, I was walking my dog, a sweet, neutered golden retriever mix, past my neighbor's house. One of his monsters, er, pit bulls, lunged through the front screen door and made a beeline for my Nellie. In an instant, he had his jaws locked around her neck. If it weren't for some well-placed kicks, I would be an ex-dog owner.

Suffice to say, I have no love for these carnivorous creatures.

In the past few weeks, the dogs, who bark the minute they are out the door, have been doing their morning business earlier and earlier.

6:30 a.m.

6:00 a.m.

You get the picture.

Last Saturday, they were barking, right outside my bedroom window, at 5:30 a.m.!!! That's a good hour before sunrise. At 5:30 a.m. I'm usually in the thick of a good Charlize Theron dream.

Clearly it was time for the come-to-Jesus meeting with my neighbor (and not the first mind you), who was initially evasive about the problem ("the dog was sick", "the tree rats and squirrels drive the dogs crazy" and "my wife let the dog out by accident").

The conversation was civil and it ended with him apologizing and saying it wouldn't happen again.

Two days later, while Megan Fox was nibbling on my ear lobe and whispering words best left unsaid, the dog was out again.

This time at 5:00 a.m. in the morning!

At my wits end, I decided to go to DefCon2.

I went to the Culver City website and printed out a copy of the local noise ordinances which, and I quote, prohibit "any nuisance or noises between the hours of 11 p.m. and 8 a.m.." I mailed my neighbor a copy, with the implicit message that should the situation continue I would be forced to take the situation to the police or the animal control people.


Yeah, how unreasonable of me to think I should be able to sleep in my own bed, in my own house, on my own damn schedule.

Somewhat Abrasive?

Tell you what. I'll wake you up after four groggy hours of sleep and the rudely broken promise of gymnastic celebrity sex, and see if you're ready to appear with the Johnny Mann Singers on the next episode of Stand Up and Cheer.