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Tom and Katie 4ever


A weird relationship gets weirder: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have gotten engaged.

I love the way that tabloid editors are suddenly kissing up to the couple in the hopes that they'll be rewarded with a wedding exclusive.

Consider this quote from Bonnie Fuller, editorial director of American Media, the parent company of Star magazine: "It could last forever. It could last till death do them part. These are two people that are known to be serious individuals."

It could last forever, sure. And, as the eminently quotable Mike Meyers would say, monkeys might fly out of my butt.

(Here is my rule for celebrity couplings: The more heated are their professions of love, the shorter will be their relationship.)

(Here is another rule, this one for magazine editors who want to sound like they can speak English: Stay away from constructions such as "till death do them part.")

I also love that bit about Cruise and Holmes being "known to be serious individuals." Cruise just jumped up and down on a couch on Oprah. Katie Holmes is, like, 14 years old and stars in the new Batman movie. I think we are lowering the bar for what constitutes seriousness here.

Here's another knee-slapper: "I think they have every intention of getting married and every intention of having kids," says Janice Min, editor of US magazine. "I think that Tom Cruise is not the kind of celebrity who would venture into this lightly."

Let's see...he's been dating a woman 20 years younger than he for about six weeks, and now, after her sudden adoption of Scientology, they're engaged. This will be his third marriage. She recently broke off a years-long engagement.

Nope. He'd never venture into this lightly. Not Tom Cruise.

And how, exactly, would Min know whether they have any intention of having kids?

In the spirit of Bonnie Fuller and Janice Min, here's a game that you can play at home. Think of a celebrity. Then think of something about that person which is deeply banal but ultimately impossible to prove or disprove. Say it.

Congratulations! You've now become the editor of a weekly tabloid.