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An Open Letter to God from the Dinosaurs: Delay Evolution!

01/11/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Dear God:

On behalf of Dinosaurs all over the world, we appreciate Your consideration of granting us an "evolutionary bridge loan."

For millions of years, we have ruled the earth with pride. We have roamed freely and successfully, growing more powerful with each generation.

We acknowledge, though, that we may have made some mistakes. In our unrestrained quest to dominate everything around us, our size has grown increasingly unwieldy and cumbersome. We admit these mistakes (hey, we just couldn't help ourselves).

But due to our ridiculous bigness, we are now too big to fail.

We are making improvements. The pterodactyls suggested a few million years ago that we consider moving south where it's warmer, so we soon plan to form a committee. And we have already achieved dramatic and significant biological changes - albeit in the form of commitments to consider biological change somewhere down the road.

Until recently, we felt these superfluous changes would be sufficiently misleading to carry us through this temporary climate downturn. Despite the steady and unrelenting cooling of the earth, our analysts have repeatedly predicted a turn in the weather, and we are now confident that our return to prosperity is just around the corner.

Unfortunately, we have been hit by a "perfect storm." Well, actually, it's a real storm. Do You know how damn cold its getting out there?! Yesterday I saw a brontosaurus with his head sticking just above a snow drift! This is an event out of our control, and therefore we cannot reasonably be expected to adapt to it.

Why should You grant us this request? It is certain to us that the collapse of our genus would have a ripple effect across all living things, likely leading to a global critter meltdown. Certainly those pesky, smaller, efficient, foreign warm-blooded rodents wouldn't stand a chance without us. The extinction of our un-innovative species would most certainly lead to the death of all innovation on earth.

By granting us this evolutionary bridge loan, you will be providing us with the tens of millions of years we require to begin the planning process of consideration that one day we may in fact contemplate an openness to becoming competitive.

Or at least allow us to wait 'til its sunny again and we don't have to change at all.

Sincerely,
T-Lutz