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April 11, 2011, News Update

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President Obama and Congress cut eleventh-hour deal to avert government shutdown. C-Span finally gets exciting.

Tea Party disappointed government not shut down, vows to keep trying.

Budget deal cuts this year's federal deficit from $1,633 Billion to $1,595 Billion. So we're going broke at a slightly slower pace. Woo Hoo!

Obama celebrates agreement by going to still-open Lincoln Memorial and mingling with tourists. House Majority Leader John Boehner celebrates by spending extra time at tanning salon.

In case you didn't notice, Obama announces he's running for re-election in 2012. Slipped it in on the internet while you weren't watching.

Donald Trump still insisting President produce an official birth certificate, displays his own. Oops. Not official. What Trump had was a hospital certificate of birth. Donald, when it comes to being a birther, You're Fired!

Radiation continues to leak from crippled Japanese nuclear plant. Japanese deserve great sympathy for what they've gone through, but would it be impolite to ask why they built a nuclear plant next to the sea in a country prone to earthquakes and tsunamis?

Bob Dylan performs in China after submitting his song list to Chinese censors ... did not sing "Blowin' in the Wind" or "The Times They Are A-Changing." The Dylan of the 60's would probably have written a song about this ... "Sellin' Out in the East."

Snooki, tacky star of TV reality show The Jersey Shore, paid $32k to give "speech" at Rutgers, NJ's largest university. She told students to "study hard, but party harder." Hey, Rutgers, you're supposed to be an institution of Higher Education, not lower standards.

Toni Morrison getting $30k to deliver commencement address at Rutgers. Think she'll quote Snooki? As New York Daily News wrote, "The pouf is mightier than the pen."

Charlie Sheen plays Radio City Music Hall in New York City, gets two standing ovations. Still not as impactful as his show at Plaza Hotel.

Sports Update:

UConn Huskies top dogs in college basketball after defeating a bunch of guys who showed up in Butler uniforms and impersonated The Gang Who Couldn't Shoot Straight. March Madness ended in March Badness.

Winning school graduates 30% of its "student-athletes." Coach suspended for first three games of next season for recruiting violations (why not suspended for tournament?). Another model of Higher Education.

Winner of Golf Masters' Tournament is Charl Schwartzel. Who? Charl Schwartzel. Oh ... Some guy from South Africa nobody ever heard of. Media continue to treat Tiger Woods as a star, although he hasn't won a tournament in more than 18 months. Whatever he is in the bedroom, Tiger has become a pussy cat on the links.

None of the Grand Slam titles in golf or tennis is now held by an American. Republicans blame Obama.

Obituary Catch-Up:

Megastar Elizabeth Taylor passes away at 79. She even died. She was Larry King's favorite actress. He called her the "marryin' kind."

Fitness guru Jack LaLanne dies at age 96. All that exercise and he didn't even make it to 100.

Washington Post columnist David Broder, "Dean" of Washington Press Corps, dies at 81. Like Willy Mays, once-great reporter hung around too long.