April 19, 2010: News Update

06/20/2010 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011


SEC sues Goldman Sachs, aka Goldmine Sucks, for fraud. The Watchdog finally wakes up! The Watchdog barks! Will the Watchdog bite? Go, Watchdog, Go!

Goldmine accused of selling products they knew would fail. Nail those greedy bastards! Send'em to jail! Why aren't they satisfied with six and seven figure bonuses? But what about innocent until proven guilty? Screw that! Hang'em.

Obama Administration proposes financial reform. Republicans immdiately announce lock-step opposition. In body politic, Republicans are gag reflex. (Courtesy of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me).

Republicans preparing to defend Wall Street against Main Street?
Wonder how that will play in November.

Volcanic ash cloud spreading from Iceland shuts down air traffic in most of Europe. Hey, Iceland, wasn't it bad enough that your financial crisis almost wrecked Europe's economy? Now you want to bankrupt the world's airlines? How about you find another way to get noticed?

Volcano's name is Eyjafjallajokull, which is why newscasters refer to it as "that volcano in Iceland."

April 15 Tax Day observed. How do you feel about:

47% of Americans pay no income tax? (Call IRS to find out how to qualify).

Paying for $15Billion for losing War on drugs?

Spending almost $1trillion on useless War in Iraq?

Spending $19Billion on wasteful, useless space program?

GE making $10.3Billion in profits but paying big fat zero to the US Treasury?

Exxon paying $15Billion in taxes, but none of it to the US?

No wonder there's a Tea Party...

New explanation for RNC paying expenses at bondage-theme Hollywood club featuring dancers simulating Lesbian sex. They thought it involved Municipal Bondage.

Boy Scouts of America found guilty of negligence in sex abuse case in Oregon. Who do they think they are, the Catholic Church?

Prominent Catholic bishop in Mexico blames eroticism on TV and porn for priestly pedophilia...How do you say "absurd" in Spanish?

Retired Spanish Cardinal claims Pope John Paul II involved in cover-up of pedophile priest...Detour on fast track to Sainthood?

Mississippi Gov. Haley Barbour says criticism of Virginia Governor's Proclamation of Confederate History Month without mentioning slavery is "something that doesn't amount to diddley."
Think he knows an awful lot of people died for "diddley"?

Wisconsin Federal Judge Barbara Crabb rules National Day of Prayer "unconstitutional." Wanna bet she's not on short list to be named to Supreme Court?

Beleaguered Japanese car-maker has Good News, Bad News week. Bad news: Consumer Reports magazine says Lexus is safety risk because of possible rollover problem. Good news: Lexus accelerators don't stick.

Disgraced resigned Congressman Eric Massa denies he paid $40k to former top aide. Just tickling around money.

Conan O'Brien to do late night show on TBS. Now he can be as unfunny on cable as he was on network TV, but with smaller audience.

ABC sportscaster Jim Nantz chastises Tiger Woods for using coarse language on golf course during the Masters. For example, he heard Tiger say to himself, "You suck." Gee, Jim, maybe you should start broadcasting Little League Baseball.

77-year-old Larry King accused by seventh wife of having affair with her younger sister. Viva Viagra! Who does he think he is, Hugh Hefner?

Country Music Awards presented Sunday night. Winners thanked God and Our Lord Jesus Christ even more than professional athletes. Why not? Everybody knows God and Jesus love Country. I mean, who doesn't remember "Drop Kick Me Jesus Through the Goalposts of Life"?