Aug. 2, 2010, News Update

Number one story of the week: what about Chelsea Clinton's wedding... BP finally capping its gusher in the Gulf... President Obama on "The View"... Snooki getting busted...? Nah...

So let's start with our esteemed national legislature. NY Congressman Charles Rangel cited for 13 ethics violations by House investigators after two-year probe. Enough to get him ousted... censured? Nope. They recommend reprimand. Reprimand? Old wrists get slapped, not whacked.

Rangel first elected in 1970. Power corrupts. Long-term power corrupts a whole lot (with apologies to Lord Acton).

Rangel vows to fight charges, go to trial. Charlie, Charlie, Charlie, read the handwriting on the walls of your four rent-controlled apartments.

Members of Congressional Black Caucus urge their colleagues not to rush to judgment of Rangel. Hey, Black Caucus... this isn't about race... it's about corruption... and he's guilty as hell until proven innocent. Even President Obama suggests Rangel should step down... and he's black!

President appears on "The View" to chorus of criticism -- mostly from other daytime talk shows. Next, appearance on "Maury," where he will attempt to prove conclusively he was not born in Kenya.

Pennsylvania Gov. Ed Rendell compares "The View" to "The Jerry Springer Show." Guess he won't be appearing on "The View" anytime soon.

Obama tells Viewers he hasn't seen "Jersey Shore." There goes New Jersey in 2012. While President also says he doesn't know who Snooki is, he once made a joke about her at a Washington dinner. Better pay more attention to what your speechwriters write for you, Mr. President.

Obama tells "Viewers" he's not invited to Chelsea Clinton's wedding. Don't fret, Mr. President. I've known Bill and Hillary a lot longer than you have and I wasn't invited either. Which puts me on a par with Oprah. Barbara Walters still trying to come up with plausible explanation as to why she wasn't invited.

Fanatical secrecy about wedding plans maintained right up to "I do." Are you paying attention, Pentagon? Maybe you ought to hire wedding planners to handle future documents on Afghanistan.

Why Rhinebeck? Why not?

Ceremony performed by rabbi and Methodist minister. A rabbi, a Methodist minister and a priest walk into a bar in Rhinebeck. Bartender asks, is this a joke?

Dutch pull their forces out of Afghanistan. What do they know that we don't?

West Coast version of Rangel, Maxine Waters, also cited for ethics violations, also vows to fight charges in House trial. Just what Dem's need: Two trials of black Congresspeople right before November elections....

Republicans gleefully remind House Speaker Nancy Pelosi of her 2006 vow to "drain the swamp" of corruption in Washington. She now says she was referring to clean-up in the Gulf of Mexico.

Federal Judge Susan Bolton blocks key provisions of Arizona's harsh immigration law. Apparently worried she wouldn't be able to keep her gardener.

What happens in Phoenix stays in Mexico. (Jay Leno)

Ousted BP CEO Tony Wayward will immediately get pension of about $1Million/year. Wonder how much of that he'll donate to Gulf clean-up.

Wayward replaced by an American, Bob Dudley. And what do you want Dudley to do? Go ahead, say it!

Toyota announces major recall in US and Canada. They figured with BP capping its Gulf gusher, they could get back on the front pages.

Director Oliver Stone apologizes for remarks construed as anti-semitic, will make up for it with new film, "Hymietown."

Pentagon unable to account properly for almost $9 billion (with a "b") in reconstruction aid for Iraq. How abut checking Swiss banks?

Jennifer Lopez said to be replacing Ellen DeGeneres as judge on American Idol, but no replacement yet for Simon Cowell. Nobody's passed the nipples audition yet.