01/30/2006 10:18 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Jan. 29 News Update

President Bush tells news conference, "We've got a good record here in Washington, DC," and he'll campaign on that record to support Republican candidates in 2006 elections. At last, Democrats have something to celebrate.

Bush Administration spends billions of dollars and wastes thousands of lives in war in Iraq to "promote democracy."

Hamas wins election in Palestinian territory, and Bush Administration says it won't deal with freely-elected government. That'll show'em what democracy is all about in the Middle East.

Pentagon study says US military over-stretched because of operations in Iraq and Afghanistan. Gen. Casey confirms. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld says no way. Maintains perfect record for getting it wrong.

Federal agency audit shows US falling way short of reconstruction goals in Iraq. That's not news to the folks in New Orleans.

Bush says he hasn't seen "Brokeback Mountain." Obviously figures cowboy vote greater than gay vote.

White House refuses to release pictures of Bush with indicted influence-peddling lobbyist Jack Abramoff. And Jack isn't even wearing black hat in those photos.

Old definition of chutzpah: Man kills parents and throws himself on the mercy of the court as an orphan. New definition: Abramoff selling pictures of himself with President Bush.

Oprah Winfrey defends author of best-selling fabrication, "A Million Little Pieces," on Larry King Show, then follows up on negative reaction by excoriating author James Frey on her show. Getting ready to run for office?

Donald Trump sues author of book for $5 Billion for writing that he's not a billionaire. Author doesn't understand that The Donald values his ego as worth at least a billion dollars for starters.

Underground tunnel full of marijuana discovered between Mexico and Southern California. What's the difference between US immigration policy and alien invasion from outer space? Answer: Both are fiction.

Democrats claim Abramoff scandal is a Republican scandal. Sure. Why would anyone want to buy powerless Democrats?

Democrats and Republicans scramble to enact legislation on ethics reform. So they can both claim credit for new laws they'll both ignore in the future.

Old slogan: Is there a Ford in your future? New slogan: Is there a future in Ford?

General Motors posts $8.6 billion loss for 2005. And to think it was only 50 years ago that GM was hauled before Congress to explain why it was the world's largest corporation.

Onetime GM CEO Charles Wilson once famously said, "What's good for the country is good for GM, and vice versa." Make that Toyota.

Trial of former Enron executives Kenneth Lay and Jeffrey Skilling to begin. In which they'll try to explain why they were paid millions of dollars a year for not knowing what was going on in their company.