02/01/2011 07:15 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Jan. 31, 2011, News Update

JAN. 31, 2011, NEWS UPDATE

President Obama delivers historic State of the Union Address. Why historic, you ask?

1. First SOTU (for you insiders) to contain "smoked salmon" joke.
2. First SOTU to have tri-color background and tri-color foreground. American flag background -- red, white and blue. Tri-color foreground -- Black Obama, White Biden, Orange Boehner.
3. First time Republicans and Democrats sat together in audience, an arrangement mocked by the Media as "Date Night" or "Prom Night." Yet, not a single female member of Congress got a corsage. Maybe next year.
4. First time Southern Sudan mentioned in SOTU. Most Americans don't even know where that is, let alone care about it.

Obama SOTU lasted one hour, one minute, but he didn't tell us until last minute that the State of the Union was "strong." Whew!

Main theme of SOTU was "winning the future." Meanwhile, how about just "breaking even with the present"?

President says "This is our generation's Sputnik moment." Would it be impertinent to point out that Sputnik occurred in 1957?

Obama also says we must "out-innovate, out-educate and out-build the rest of the world." Especially since we have already out-sourced the rest of the world.

Sarah Palin said "Winning The Future," i.e., WTF, had other meanings. She obviously meant World Trade Federation. Surely you don't think she's a Potty-Mouth?

Cong. Paul Ryan's Republican response to SOTU upstaged by Cong. Michelle Bachmann's Tea Party response. Did not suit Republicans to a Tea. (Groans here acceptable).

Only television channel to carry Bachmann's remarks was CNN. Why not? Nobody watches CNN anyway.

Where the hell was she looking? Certainly not at the
camera... Perhaps she was looking into the future that Obama wants to win. (WTF).

Riotous protests rock Egypt, Yemen and Tunisia in wake of self-immolation of college-educated street vendor in Tunisia. His name is Mohamed Bouaziz. Will his fatal act of protest become as historically significant as the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand in 1914, which precipitated World War I? Could be...

Violent protests against Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak (30 years in office) leave American policy-makers between Iraq and a hard place.

Memo to Obama Administration: Whatever you do, don't pay any attention to Jimmy Carter. He was quick to dump the Shah in Iran and look what followed there.
However, investment in Mubarak futures does not seem like wise move at this time.

In the meantime, best advice from US to Mubarak would be to tell him where Tunisian President went.

And to tell him this is not just some kind of Pyramid Scheme (more groans).

Rep. Dennis Kucinich, (D-OH) suing House Cafeteria for $150k... claims he bit into olive pit in sandwich promoted as containing "pitless olives," causing serious harm to teeth. Gotta be a better way, Sir, to try to pay off debt from 2008 presidential run. And you can forget about 2012.

In Australian Open Tennis Final, Brit Andy Murray loses to Serbia's Novak Djokovic. Hard luck, Mate. You might even have been knighted had you been the first Brit to win a Grand Slam event in 75 years. (And who was the last? And which tournament did he win?) Answers: Fred Perry and Wimbledon. See, the update is not all frivolity.