JUNE 9, 2008, NEWS UPDATE
Barack Obama wins Democratic Presidential nomination. Is country ready for a Black President? Jon Stewart's answer: Was country ready for a moron to to be President in 2000?
Hillary Clinton concedes despite winning popular vote in primaries. Al Gore says, tell me about it.
In her concession speech, Hillary tells supporters to go see "Sex and the City." McCain supports "Indiana Jones" remake, where old guy makes a comeback.
Obama and McCain start search for vice presidential candidates. Another chance for pundidiots to be wrong.
John Edwards reportedly rules out being on ticket with Obama. Been there, done that, lost.
Jimmy Carter says Obama-Clinton ticket would be "worst mistake possible." Must be a good idea.
Vice President Cheney makes insulting joke about West Virginia. Obama camp hoping Cheney will campaign vigorously for McCain.
First Lady Laura Bush visits Afghanistan. That should really piss off the Taliban.
Obama does promo for "Military Wives" on Lifetime. McCain considering promo for Desperate Republicans.
NASA lands robot on Mars. Don't you feel good about spending millions of your tax dollars to find out there's dirt on Mars?
Toilets don't work on space station. Metaphor for billion dollar waste?
Food shortages reported worldwide. Any remember Malthus?
Prince William assigned to duty in Caribbean. It's a cushy job, but somebody has to do it.
Three network anchors join in campaign against cancer. Whatever happened to War on Cancer? War on Poverty? War on Drugs? How about a war on wars?
Fox News NY Bureau infested with bedbugs. Not to mention cockroaches on air.
Seventy-five students at San Diego State University arrested on drug and weapons charges. Only college in America where you can major in Crack 101.
With gasoline at $4/gallon, GE to end producing the Hummer. (Insert your own line about hummers here).
Big Brown is Big Bomb in Belmont Stakes, still no triple crown winner in horse racing since 1978. Compared to baseball and men's tennis not a long time. Last batting triple crown winner, Yaz in 1967. Last Grand Slam winner in men's tennis, Rod Laver in 1969.