MAY 16, 2011, NEWS UPDATE
President goes to El Paso near Mexican border to call for immigration reform. Wonder how many illegals snuck in while he was speaking.
Republicans complain speech contained nothing new and was nothing more than campaign ploy. You saying he doesn't have the Latino vote locked up?
Obama criticizes Republicans for constantly "moving the goal posts" on the issue, claims Administration has done everything they've wanted ... Suggests maybe they'll now ask for moats ... and alligators. Hey, Bam, at least that would be something concrete.
You can expect immigration reform to come right after stricter gun control legislation is enacted.
House Speaker John Boehner says he's ready to make a deal with President Obama on raising debt ceiling -- as long as it's entirely on his terms.
Newt Gingrich announces his candidacy for President. Pundidiots point out thrice-married former House Speaker carries lots of baggage. But perhaps they're overlooking something. If Gingrich can get the divorce and adultery vote, he's a shoo-in.
Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee, now a Fox Noise host, announces he will not run ... says polls say "yes" but his heart says "no." And there's also a loud shout from those big paychecks.
With addition of Gingrich, GOP presidential field now shaping up to produce next Michael Dukakis.
International Monetary Fund chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn arrested in New York City after being accused of sexual assault against hotel maid. Gives new meaning to "IMF."
He's known in France as "DSK, the great seducer" for his womanizing. How do you say "the great rapist" in French? If he runs for President of France, as widely speculated, will this help or hurt him?
Osama bin Laden's son brands killing of his terrorist father "criminal" and "illegal." This is the same guy who said after 9/11 that his father had a "kind heart."
Cache of pornography found in Osama's hideout ... including "Burka Bimbos," "Hookah Hookers" and "Jihadi Jezebels." Also "Deep Goat" and "Debbie Does Abbottabad." (Courtesy of Jimmy Fallon).
Obama's diary also discovered.....News Update has been made privy to some of its entries:
Dec. 17, 2001: Escaped American siege of Tora Bora...easier than I thought for a 6"6" Arab....
March 19, 2003: Feeling much safer now that those infidel Americans invaded Iraq......
Jan 15, 2005: ...Moved into roomy mansion in Pakistan which I had them build for me.
Feb. 12, 2005: Set up schedule of payments for Pakistani government officials, including Intelligence chiefs.
Aug. 29, 2006: Used fake name to set up Netflix account to deliver porn to dummy address.
Jan. 21, 2009: That wuss Bush out of office....."Dead or Alive," huh? Hah!
May 1, 2011: Just heard some funny whirring noises in courtyard.......
Heard about the Osama bin Laden cocktail? Two shots and a splash of water (Internet joke).
Israeli soldiers shoot and kill 15 Palestinian demonstrators along its borders with Syria, Lebanon and Gaza. Who does Israel think it is, Syria?
Lady Gaga appears on "American Idol" wearing booties with penis-shaped heels. Did size matter?
CNN weekend anchor Don Lemon reveals he's gay. Suppose any other CNN anchors will be coming out as well? Not likely.....
Q: How much coke did Charlie Sheen do? A: Enough to kill two and a half men. (Another internet joke)
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