May 23, 2011, News Update

05/24/2011 03:48 pm 15:48:45 | Updated Jul 24, 2011


If you're reading this, then you know the world did not come to an end last Saturday as predicted by some wack job radio host named Harold Camping. But were you nervously checking your watch at the designated hour of 6PM?

Something else that did not come to an end by 6PM Saturday was the controversy engendered by President Obama's speech on Middle East policy. The president outlined a two-state solution to the Israel-Palestine conflict based on the pre-1967 War borders with mutually-agreed-upon land swaps. Israel's reaction: 1967 borders? What 1967 borders?

Mr. President, hate to tell you this, but any solution involving the 1967 borders will come right after a law banning all guns in the United States and a successful conclusion to the so-called war on drugs.

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu said afterward that Israel wants peace, he wants peace and Israel is "prepared to make generous concessions for peace." Bibi, may I say you guys sure do have a funny way of showing that.

Here's something that did end this week: Donald Trump's fatuous, laughable flirtation with running for President. Late night comedians in mourning.

Trump, in his usual modest fashion, said he was certain he could have become president, but claimed he was not ready to leave the private sector. The private sector, embarrassed by his repeated success at making a fool of himself, might not have minded seeing him go. He also apparently decided he had milked the presidential thing for as much time in the spotlight as he could get without further humiliation. What, you say, he's too egotistical to understand humiliation? OK, that explains a lot.

The Trumpest also said his heart said yes, but his head said no. The final decision came after his hair said no.

Indiana Gov. Mitch Daniels did not drop out... He just never dropped in, saying he would not run for the Republican nomination for president because of "family considerations." Too many skeletons in the closet? Or too much Obama in the Oval Office?

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich remained in the race, but his campaign dropped out after he harshly criticized a plan formulated by House Republicans for overhauling Medicare.

The Republican race did get an upper crust boost when Herman Cain, former CEO of Godfather Pizza, threw his toque in the ring. He wants to make an offer the GOP can't refuse -- if elected, he promises to have the first formal White House dinner with pizza as the main course. Toppings will be elective.

Former Minn. Gov. Tim Pawlenty jumps into race with denunciation of President Obama. Democrats call him Porgy -- they claim he has "pawlenty" of nothing.

Meanwhile, back to the future: The Doomsday soothsayer who predicted end of the world did not show up for work on Monday. Camping out?

Explains God's e-mail canceling Judgment Day ended up in his Spam folder.

Camping spent more than $100Million on his Judgment Day campaign. Now that's just bad judgment.

Speaking of bad judgment, why did the mainstream media waste so much time on this Loony Tunes story? Late night comedians, sure... But the New York Times??!!?? Maybe they're hoping Camping will spend money on ads in their paper instead of billboards as the next Judgment Day approaches.

OK, I know what you're thinking... but News Update is not mainstream... nor any stream at all.

Now on to the next Big Story of the week -- Arnold What's-his-name. Talk about media overkill. You've no doubt heard all the bad jokes... The Sperminator... The Inseminator... Conan the Ovarian... Worst joke of the week: Now we know why he didn't go to USC football games -- He doesn't like Trojans. (Blame Jay Leno for that).

More: After hearing his confession that he had a "love child" (shouldn't that be "sex child"?) Maria said, Hasta La Vista, Baby. Arnold did not retort, I'll be back.

News Update has obtained details of Maria's reaction to Arnold's confession, which went something like this: "You have had beautiful and sexy women as co-stars... Hollywood is full of other beautiful and sexy female stars... and you f**k the maid??? Who do you think you are, the head of the IMF?" (She's very prescient). By the way, the definition of "shriver" is one who hears confessions and grants absolution. So, c'mon Maria, as a Kennedy, surely you're accustomed to the guys fooling around...

Speaking of the IMF, its disgraced ex-director Dominique Strauss-Kahn, accused of sexually assaulting a hotel chambermaid in New York City, out on bail. Turns out he's quite well-know in international boinking circles. (He doesn't like Trojans either).

Queen Elizabeth makes historic visit to Ireland. No problem with crowd control. There weren't any crowds.

Lance Armstrong, 7-time winner of the Tour de France bicycle race, used illegal performance-enhancing drugs and engaged in blood-doping, according to testimony to FBI by former teammates. Lance, our all-American hero, used illegal drugs? Sheesh, next thing you know, they'll say baseball sluggers used steroids. And if this turns out to be true, I'm sending back my yellow bracelet.