THE BLOG
01/01/2006 09:30 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

News Update for Jan. 1

President Bush: I resolve to read more newspapers and watch more TV so I'll know what's going on in Iraq.

Vice President Cheney: It's none of your damn business what I resolve.

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld: I resolve to keep at it in Iraq 'til I get it right so I can do better in Iran.

Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice: I resolve to try to be relevant in 2006.

Sen. Hillary Clinton: I resolve to focus on running for re-election to the Senate in 2006, for re-election to the Senate, for re-election to the Senate, for.....

Rep. Tom DeLay: I resolve to get that SOB Texas DA who's persecuting me by redistricting him right out of a job.

Sen. Bill Frist: I resolve to learn what a blind trust is.

Martha Stewart: I resolve to learn what insider trading is.

Former Michael Brown: I resolve to do a heckuva job in my next place of employment, wherever it may be.

Fed Chairman nominee Ben Bernancke: I resolve to work at becoming more obscure in my language in order to replace Alan Greenspan more effectively.

DNC Chairman Howard Dean: I resolve to have a gear shift installed between mouth and brain.

Former NY Times reporter Judith Miller: I resolve to get better sources.

Washington Post reporter Bob Woodward: I resolve to remember what my sources tell me.

Columnist Bob Novak: I resolve to give up journalism and join Fox News.

Columnist Bill O'Reilly: I resolve to give up loofahs.

Scooter Libby: I resolve to stop talking to reporters.

Karl Rover: I resolve to stop talking to Scooter Libby.

Saddam Hussein: I resolve to continue being President of Iraq, no matter what those American infidels say.

Hosni Mubarek: I resolve to continue being President of Egypt, no matter how many free elections it takes.

Syrian President Bashar al-Assad: I resolve to hire O.J. Simpson to find the killer of former Lebanese Prime Minister Rafik Harari.

NASA: We resolve to keep the space shuttle boondoggle going, no matter how much it costs.

Former New Jersey Gov. Jim McGreevy: I resolve to get work as a cowboy.

Jessica Simpson: I resolve not to watch any reruns of "Newlyweds."

Tom Cruise: I resolve to buy His and Hers sofas when the baby's born.

Russell Crowe: I resolve to get a cell phone that can reach Australia.