How to Take Things Less Personally

Is it about you?

The practice: don't take it personally.

Why?

Here's an updated parable from the ancient Taoist teacher Chuang-Tzu: Imagine that you are floating in a canoe on a slow-moving river, having a Sunday picnic with a friend. Suddenly there is a loud thump on the side of the canoe, and it rolls over. You come up sputtering, and what do you see? Somebody has snuck up on your canoe, flipped it over for a joke, and is laughing at you. How do you feel?

Now imagine the exact same situation again: the picnic in a canoe, the loud thump, being dumped into the river, coming up sputtering, and what do you see? A large submerged log has drifted downstream and bumped into your canoe. This time, how do you feel?

The facts are the same in each case: you're cold and wet, and your picnic ruined. But when you feel personally picked on, everything feels worse. The thing is, most of what bumps into us in life -- including emotional reactions from others, traffic jams, illness or mistreatment at work -- is like an impersonal log put in motion by 10,000 causes upstream.

Say a friend is surprisingly critical toward you. It hurts, for sure, and you need to address the situation, from talking about it directly to disengaging from the relationship.

But also consider what may have caused that person to bump into you, such as interpretations and misinterpretations of your actions; personal health problems or pain; worries or anger about other things; temperament, personality or childhood experiences; causes from the larger context, like our economy and culture, or world events; and causes from even further upstream in time, like how his or her parents were raised.

Recognize the humbling yet wonderful truth: most of the time, we are bit players in other people's dramas. When you do this, you naturally get calmer, put the situation in context, and don't get so caught up in me-myself-and-I. Then you feel better and clearer-headed about what to do.

How?

Really enjoy taking things less personally!

To begin with, have compassion for yourself. Getting smacked by a log is a drag. Also take appropriate action. Keep an eye out for logs heading your way, try to reduce their impact, and repair your "boat" -- relationship, health, finances, career -- as best you can. And maybe think about finding a new river!

Additionally:

• Notice when you start to take something personally. Be mindful of what that feels like -- and also what it feels like to relax the sense of being personally targeted.
• Be careful about making assumptions about the intentions of others. Maybe they didn't do it "on purpose." Or maybe there was one not-so-good purpose aimed at you all mixed up with a dozen other purposes.
• Reflect on some of the 10,000 causes upstream. Ask yourself: what else could be in play here? What's going on inside the other person's mind and life? What's the bigger picture?
• Beware of getting caught up in your "case" about other people: the inner prosecutor that keeps pounding on all the ways they're wrong, spoke badly, acted unfairly, picked on you, really really harmed you, made you suffer, etc. It's good to see others clearly, and there's a place for moral judgment, but case-making is a kind of obsessing that makes you feel worse -- and more likely to overreact and create an even bigger problem.
• Try to have compassion for the other people. They're probably not all that happy, either. Your compassion for them will not weaken you or let them off the moral hook; actually, it will make you feel better.
• Finally, really soak in the growing sense of ease, strength and peacefulness that comes from taking life less personally.

Just One Thing (JOT) is the free newsletter by Rick Hanson that suggests a simple practice each week that will bring you more joy, more fulfilling relationships and more peace of mind. If you wish, you can subscribe to Just One Thing here.

 

 

 

Comments

[Todd G Chavey]

06:38 AM on 05/25/2011

Pride and Ego is a wall that stymies all communication and relations. Bring downt he wall and learn to open yourself to all concerns and matters with all that you can be. If you look at the business world for example, so many ideas and the ability for companies to move forward are shot down by the people in control because THEIR pride and ego will not allow any input but their own. In a marriage, communication breakdown occurs because of ones pride and ego will not accept the others thoughts and concerns.

[Epilef2000]

02:05 PM on 05/23/2011

I often try to write well-thought-out responses to articles and other people's comments only to receive ad hominem arguments, bothering on abusive, and I fall prey to their comments, and then i find myself using ad hominem arguments to defend myself. I admit my reaction are counterproductive and then I anger no only the commentator, but everyone else in their group (for example, I'm liberal..so if a find hurtful comments against progressive, I would harshly brush stroke all conservatives).

Great article..and hopefully I can take it "less personally."

[DennyCrane]

12:11 PM on 05/23/2011

I have a question about this analogy. If a log hits my canoe and I shrug it off, I know that doing so won't encourage another log to hit me in the future. But if someone deliberately insults me and I just brush it off, then what's to stop them from thinking it's OK to do it again? I understand what this article is about. But I think there are times where it's entirely appropriate to takes things personally and even get angry. Anger is neither a negative or positive emotion. It's how you handle anger that matters. Same with taking something personally. Someone might insult me and I might insult them back, but then it escalates into a fight. Obviously, that's a case where taking things personally is bad. But letting people insult you and not making it clear that you won't tolerate such behavior suggests that you're a complete pushover. Isn't having self-respect a good thing?

[huffpostreader10000]

02:10 AM on 05/27/2011

How are you going to make it clear to others that you won't tolerate their insults? Will you say something like, "Don't do this because I am insulted"? Most likely they will just laugh and will keep on insulting you. You have to ultimately give them some incentive to stop insulting you (ex. report them to authority, take away their privileges, etc). Unless you can do that then what else can you do to stop someone from insulting you?

[Boomerwoman]

10:44 PM on 05/22/2011

Great way to make your point. And you are so right.

[Widespread Panic]

09:40 PM on 05/22/2011

"Be careful about making assumptions about the intentions of others. "

This is my main problem. I am so sensitive and I take EVERYTHING personally. So if someone doesn't return a text, respond to a FB msg, or an email within a few days I automatically assume that I did something or they don't want to talk to me. I even do this with my SO (who lives on the other side of the country). I always assume the worst when most of the time its just not that serious. I really need to work on this.

[Boomerwoman]

10:46 PM on 05/22/2011

Hmmm, I wonder if practicing simple meditation would help? You know, the classic focus on your breathing for 5 minutes. I wish you well.

[mccord82]

02:17 PM on 05/22/2011

Great piece. I would like to add my experience. I find that I can't control anything in this world fully except myself. I make mistakes and other people around me make mistakes. I'm fallible and other people around me are fallible. If someone does something that gets under my skin, I try to realize that I don't control this person, and usually what they're doing that's getting under mys skin doesn't have anything to do with them, it has everything to do with how I am perceiving what's going on based on my beliefs and rationales.

[jlspin8130]

11:01 PM on 05/21/2011

I cannot agree with this author. I do not see how man-made disasters can be placed on the same level as natural ones. If a dude tips over my canoe, I am going to wonder what was going on in his mind. I cannot figure the mind of the log. America became a great nation because we paid attention to what was fair and not fair among ourselves and among nations. People who tip over others' canoes for no good reason are in danger of getting a punch in the nose, period.

[Eric Gardner]

02:13 PM on 05/22/2011

Well it takes quite a bit of maturity and the ability to stand back and see things with perspective and understanding. To realize that other people just react to input from their environment. Forgiveness is a powerful thing, and sadly, you missed the message. What is fair is subjective to the person.

[jlspin8130]

10:16 PM on 05/22/2011

No, I got the message, Eric. I believe in forgiveness. I believe in restraint. I just don't believe, in the realm of human interaction, that too close a comparison should be drawn between a log and a thinking human.

[toutelemonde]

11:14 AM on 05/23/2011

So true! Anyone who knows me knows I absolutely hate getting my hair wet. I would so beat the crap out of them for turning over my canoe!

[LSULinebacker64]

10:41 PM on 05/21/2011

Well have a good year like myself an you can't get mad very to quickly.
1. In Jan. I Broke or Fractured my left leg off an Epilepstic Seizure I had.
2. In Feb. I had gotten into an accident where a car ran a stop sign an hit me it being all the other ones fault.
3. At the end of Mar. I broke my Wrost off another seizure. Cast is off for a week now but still hurting.
4. It was just a death in the family in April.
5 Now in May I had another seizure a week ago an put a gash on my forehaed the size of anyones thumb. What's next in JUNE?

[lklauschie]

11:21 PM on 05/21/2011

I certainly hope you are keeping in touch with your neurologist, as it appears your seizures are not under control. I also hope and pray that you are not driving around withan uncontrolled seizure disorder.

[LSULinebacker64]

08:44 AM on 05/22/2011

No! I'm 47 y/o and I've had my Epilepsy since I've been 9 months old. So I've never driven a car in my life. I've got one of those VNS devises in my chest. VAGUS NERVE STIMILATORS < I think that's how you spell it. Thanks for your comment.

[WILLIEMOJORISIN]

06:37 PM on 05/21/2011

If we can't laugh at ourselves we can't laugh at others , this PC world we live in is making everyone weak

[nikkitytom]

06:29 PM on 05/21/2011

For once ... a really good piece on AOL. I lived in India for twenty years, where I saw some pretty raw things ... poverty and misery beyond belief. But kindness and forgiveness and generosity also beyond belief.

When I returned to America I was stunned at how thin-skinned people were. It seemed to me as if they were picking at tiny wounds and making them bleed so they could complain. I truly believe that most people aren't trying to hurt me, That most slights and insults are truly unintentional. And I give HUGE leeway to the fact that their careless or thoughtless actions probably had nothing to do with me at all .... something else bad happened in their lives and they're reacting ... striking out or not thinking.

Just take it easy. Believe that most people are good at heart. if Anne Frank could say this before being led away to the gas chambers.... heck why can't we at least try.

Forget the media and the nasty stories rehashed again and again. Avoid politics until the last month of the general Elections. And be grateful for the time you have right here on earth.

Enjoy a walk, breath the air deeply, have a chocolate, pet a cat .... and give a compliment to a stranger. You can actually cast a spell on people with a kind comment ....positivity is like a virus ... it's catching.

[lklauschie]

11:23 PM on 05/21/2011

Great insight. Fanned.

[bobvanbuskirk1]

06:17 AM on 05/22/2011

i agree with everything you say ,but i wanted to point out that Anne Frank was never led to the gas chambers.she was in one of the camps though.sadly she died a few weeks before they were liberated..

[nikkitytom]

06:31 AM on 05/22/2011

Sorry, my error. I remembered that she had not survived. And that her father had. I don't know why this bit of information gives me a little small shred of comfort. That at least she didn't die in the gas chamber. Perhaps she died as she slept .... hungry and cold and miserable .... but perhaps less horribly than in that terrible death room,

[homeimps]

05:28 PM on 05/21/2011

Terrific article by a great writer! I especially like his statement "Most of the time, we are bit players in other people's dramas". Reminds me of a Dr. Phil's Dadism: "We wouldn't worry so much what other people thought of us if we knew how seldom they do".

[sunflower12]

10:01 AM on 05/22/2011

We're not the center of other people's world, we should try to remember that.
And, most of the time, when people do something that makes us feel hurt, it has nothing to do with us, it has to do with them.

[homeimps]

05:26 PM on 05/21/2011

I've gone too far the other way. After too many cases where I've been treated badly by people, I now tend to assume that others will not do the right thing and to simply protect myself from outcomes that have been all too inevitable in the past. Unfortunately this has led to my not always holding people accountable; it's the "the fools know not what they do" syndrome. BTW, 90% of this has been dealing with tenants and rental property issues so please don't feel the need to write and point out that I attract the wrong kind of people and need different friends; the 10% in that category I simply extract from my life as soon as I see the reality.

[Barbara Greenberg]

09:23 PM on 05/20/2011

Love this and consider that"others may be ignorant not arrogant." It's easier not to take things personally if we don't make assumptions about others.

Barbara Greenberg PhD
@talkingteenage.com
co-author
Teenage as a Second Language-A Parents Guide to Becoming Bilingual

[undrgrndgirl]

09:46 PM on 05/21/2011

ignorance makes me angry...

[Libertystblue1923]

01:13 AM on 05/22/2011

Ignorance 'by choice' is arrogance!

[Peace Walker]

02:27 PM on 05/20/2011

I understand what you are saying, and yes, it is indeed wise to remember that we are not the center of universe, to have some humility, not to assume and not to react disproportionately. That said, I am mindful of the words of Barbara Jordan:

"If the society today allows wrongs to go unchallenged, the impression is
created that those wrongs have the approval of the majority." - Barbara Jordan

[Libertystblue1923]

01:10 AM on 05/22/2011

I loved Barbara Jordan, what a classy woman! I wonder how many people still know about her career! Bella Abzug [sp?] Shirley Chisolm? Three great ladies we could use in the 'grand debate' today!

[namastechinow]

11:21 AM on 05/20/2011

This argument is flawed because the scenarios are not the same. I would feel differently if a log tipped me over because the log didn't DECIDE to do it. Therefore, what happened could not have been prevented because there is no decision-making ability involved with the log.

[homeimps]

05:15 PM on 05/21/2011

That's precisely the point of Dr. Hanson's article; how to deal with matters despite the differences in how and why they occur. I would have thought that would be obvious to someone who goes by the name Namaste______. No offense BTW!

[Libertystblue1923]

01:03 AM on 05/22/2011

Really? So, if my shoe breaks and I fall down a flight of stairs, resulting in horrific injuries, I should feel no different if the shoe is replaced by a person who shoves me[haha!] down that same flight of stairs? Namaste is right...And you and the 'doctor' are not living on a higher plane of existence, you're both 'delusional!'

[Pniswrinkles]

08:01 PM on 05/21/2011

Dam dude, re read the article, it is making PRECISLEY your point....ugh....trying to be nice here,,,but good grief...