Step right up, ladies and gentlemen! Step right up and feast your eyes and yours ears on The Amazing, The Incomparable, The Absolutely Irrepressible Blagojevich!
Yes indeed, ladies and gents: Behind this curtain, and about to take the main stage in just a few short moments, an exhibition unlike anything you've ever experienced anywhere on the planet!
You've seen corruption before -- corrupt politicians are a dime a dozen.
You've seen defiance before -- the bigger they are, the harder it is to bring 'em down!
And shamelessness? Seems like there's major-league shamelessness everywhere you turn these days.
But never before -- never in recorded history, ladies and gentlemen! -- have we been able to offer for your close inspection and absolute astonishment a creature who embodies in unique combination each and every one of those diabolical traits and so much more!
The Irrepressible Blagojevich admits to nothing! He concedes nothing! He never stops smiling! And he does all this while reciting poetry!
That's right, ladies and gentlemen: poetry! Or anecdote! Or historical analogy! The greatest volcanoes eventually run out of steam. Even mighty rivers run dry. But The Irrepressible Blagojevich? He's Mother Nature's unstoppable, uncorkable force.
Hear for yourself the endless prattle and the perpetual piffle that have captivated the crowned heads of morning television! Gaze upon the one creature in all the world worthy of being mentioned in the same breath as Gandhi, and Mandela, and King!
It's his own breath, of course -- but isn't that the wonder of it? Where else could you even find someone with gall enough to try? This is no ordinary mortal!
Does he believe a single word he's saying? That's for you to decide -- but you'll never know unless you see him in action!
And here's your chance, ladies and gentlemen, mere seconds from now: The Irrepressible Blagojevich, right here on our stage! So step right up to the turnstile, and drop those coins into the slot. Or large-denomination bills -- we'll take whatever you've got!
This could be your only chance.
Once he's gone, he's gone.
Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist. You can write to him at firstname.lastname@example.org.