Dear Cable News Programmers:
I'm writing to tell you how disappointed I was to find out that there won't be any Republican presidential debates to watch for the next several weeks. They've been the biggest hit in our house -- you could call it "Must-See TV" for the entire family -- and my husband and the kids and I look forward to gathering in the TV room every week or so for the latest installment.
To think that we'll have to do without all those colorful characters and entertaining discussions until sometime in November...!
Isn't there something you can do to convince them to come back sooner, and not leave such a big hole in our calendars? Even if just a few of them showed up for different episodes, that would still give us something to hang onto until they were all back together on their regular schedule.
I'm sure I speak for millions of other viewers who want to hear more about Mitt Romney's lawn care, and Rick Perry's lobbyist pals, and lots of other things. But it almost doesn't matter what they decide to talk about, just as long as they keep talking, and keep disagreeing and interrupting each other. And with the others chiming in whenever they think they can score some points themselves, and with the studio audience cheering the most outrageous comments -- well, it's just amazing to watch. It's like Modern Family -- only funnier!
When I try to tell people about all the incredible things that happen on your show, sometimes they don't even believe me. That's why I wish it were staying on the schedule, and that everybody in the country -- or at least every voter -- could watch every episode at least twice. That would really be great. (My husband thinks so too.)
In the meantime, are you willing to listen to a few suggestions for making your terrific show even more terrific, whenever it comes back? Maybe you're already thinking about some of these, or maybe not.
Anyway, here goes:
1. Have them stand closer together. It's not really fair to the short candidates like Rick Perry that the tall candidates like Mitt Romney can reach over and put a hand on his shoulder, but he isn't tall enough to reach back. If you get them standing even closer, they'll both have the same chance to get physical whenever they want to. Think how exciting that would be!
2. Get rid of the moderator. I'm not suggesting that all the moderators are doing a bad job. It's just that when they interject themselves into the conversation, sometimes they break up the back-and-forth between the candidates just when it's getting interesting. (In other words, insulting.) Without a moderator there, the shouting could get louder and more personal, so the viewers would have a better chance to find out what all these people are really like.
3. Keep more accurate score. In most of the debates so far, we had to wait until it was over for the analysts to come in and tell us who won. Wouldn't it make more sense if every time one of the candidates landed a good shot on one of the opponents, a little light went off? Or a buzzer? Or -- even better -- a clown horn? That could be Newt Gingrich's job. He keeps telling us how smart he is, so he wouldn't lose track even when the arguments got really heated. Or Ron Paul -- he seems to have a lot of time on his hands.
So that's my list. If you want to use any of my suggestions, that's fine, and I don't need to receive credit or anything. In fact, it's probably better if I don't.
Keep up the great work!
Sincerely,
Michelle O.
Washington, DC
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Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist. You can write to him at rickhoro@execpc.com.