The meeting was gaveled to order. (But gently -- the poor dears were short of sleep.)
"OK, we're ready to start -- thank you all for coming. This is a special emergency session of the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Senators, and -- "
"Madam Chairman? Would you like me to wake them? The witnesses -- they're not all..."
"Not necessary, thanks -- we'll just rouse them as we need them. Now, the purpose of this hearing, as some of you know, is to express our grave concern -- "
" -- our outrage about the recent cruel and unusual treatment inflicted upon some of our nation's most dedicated public officials. I'm talking, of course, about the members of the United States Senate, and in particular, members of the Senate Republican caucus."
"Let the record show that our own members are outraged. And they have every reason to be outraged. In just the past few days, we've seen these brave Republican men and women forced to endure the kinds of barbaric conditions that would crush lesser mortals."
"That's right, ladies and gentlemen -- under the constant lash of their evil taskmaster, Harry Reid, they've been obliged to work nights!"
"And not just Saturdays either -- but Sundays, too!"
"All true, ladies and gentlemen. Shocking, but true. And all because this Harry Reid -- this man they call 'The Enforcer' -- got it into his head that when it came to doing the people's business, endless delay was not necessarily a virtue."
"That after months of allowing Mr. McConnell and Mr. Kyl and their allies to gum up the works -- and what's more, to grow totally accustomed to gumming up the works -- that suddenly, the 'world's greatest deliberative body' should be doing more than simply deliberating."
"That it should be acting! And voting!"
"Even on weekends!"
"Even in December!!"
"That's right -- even in the month that contains that most sacred of holidays! Yes, friends, Harry Reid has even been willing to disrespect Christmas to accomplish his nefarious goal of passing legislation! Have you ever heard of anything so un-American?"
"Peace on Earth!! Peace on Earth!!"
"But will these brave souls ever surrender?"
"Will they take it lying down?"
"Actually, Madam Chairman..."
"Let me put that a different way...!"
# # #
Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist. You can write to him at firstname.lastname@example.org.