The Guy Wants Out: Bye-Bye, Bayh!

Rrrriinnnng! Rrrriinnnng! Rrrriin --

"Talk to me."

"Yes, I -- that's why I'm calling. To talk to you, I mean. I -- "

"Hang a sec, will ya? Hey guys, I'm on here, OK? Stuff it a minute. Yeah?"

"Are you -- is it OK to talk now?"

"Anytime's as good as any other time, dude. What's up?"

"Yes, well -- I'm Harry? And I'm calling from the management company? Capitol Properties?"

"Yeah, well I'm Mitch, and I'm answering your call."

"That's nice. Very nice to meet you, Mitch. I -- anyway, the reason I'm calling is because we've been getting complaints. From the other tenants."

"Don't know what you're talking about, dude -- we don't even talk to those losers."

"Yes, well, it's not so much that you're talking to them -- according to the complaints, I mean. It's more how you've been behaving."

"Yeah? So tell me, Harry -- it's Harry, right? -- how've we been behaving?"

"Not very well, to be honest. You and your fellow tenants in that apartment of yours have --"

"Hey, guys -- I said keep it down! I got Harry here with a complaint about us!"

"Ha-REE! Ha-REE! Ha-REE!"

"Now you've got 'em all upset."

"They don't sound upset."

"Yeah, well..."

"But they certainly sound very loud."

"Anyway, you were saying...? There's some kind of complaint?"

"A lot of complaints, actually. Particularly from one of the apartments right across the hall from you. The -- let me see here -- the Bayhs?"

"Don't know anyone by that name. They must be griping about some other place."

"No, they're pretty specific about it -- Mr. Bayh, I mean. He's got your apartment number written down and everything. He says there's so much noise, he can't get any work done. All day, all night -- nothing but noise, he says. And chanting."

"Chanting?"

"That's what he says. Whenever there's -- "

"Hang a sec. Hey, this guy says this other guy says there's been chanting. Any of you hear any chanting?"

"No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!"

"No chanting here, Harry."

"But that's exactly -- "

"He's wrong. You sure he's not, you know, crazy?"

"Oh, no -- he's -- he's one of our sanest residents. Always a perfect gentleman. But he says you boys are really getting on his nerves. You're not the only ones, he says, but you're definitely the worst."

"No way!"

"He also says here -- wait, let me make sure I -- he also says you and your friends just clog up the stairway sometimes, you won't even let him bring his groceries upstairs, or take the trash out! Nothing goes up, nothing goes down. Nothing moves at all."

"Now why would we do a thing like that, Harry? Hey boys, would we ever do a thing like that?"

"No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!"

"You heard 'em, Harry -- they wouldn't dream of doing anything like that."

"But -- "

"We just do what it takes to survive in the big city, Harry. You wouldn't want us to not survive, would you?"

"It's not about -- I mean, this Mr. Bayh says he'll leave if it doesn't get better."

"He'll leave?"

"Absolutely. He says he doesn't like living here anymore -- he's ready to walk when his lease is up. We can't keep losing good tenants!"

"And you say he'd take off just because of us?"

"Absolutely."

"Yes!!"

"Excuse me?"

"Hang a -- hey, the guy's getting out! Across the hall! Because of us!"

"Bye-Bye! Bye-Bye! Bye-Bye! Bye-Bye!"

"See? That's exactly what -- "

"Bye-Bye!! Bye-Bye!! Bye-Bye!! Bye-Bye!!"

"Gotta go, dude -- there's a party breaking out."

"But -- "

"Later."

Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist. You can write to him at rickhoro@execpc.com.