Congratulations Human Kind, we've done it again!
It turns out there are not one, but TWO Texas-sized masses of trash floating in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. That's right. Two islands made of 300 foot deep plastic bottles, diapers and everything else that is more than a month old. A vast plane of rubbish, extending to the very curvature of the Earth.
Now, I don't want to come off as a Mr. Gloom N' Doom here. Instead, I believe that this might just be the population solution we've been looking for. As humiliating as it is to face the fact, all of the major problems that plague humanity stem from-well frankly, from people. I don't want you to think I'm advocating the evisceration of my fellow citizen, but rather to propose another option.
Sure, two congealed clusters of waste product might impede shipping lanes, but we also have an opportunity here. What if we were to put America back to work by building cities right on top of these great polymer mattresses, instead of letting it just sit there, stinking in the sunlight? What if we put our remaining know-how into de-congesting our freeway system? We are a people who know how to take over another land.
There's no reason why we couldn't sink our ingenuity and guts into creating a Goofy Golf wonderland for the easily impressed. PVC high-rise housing, swaying in the breeze as the foundation rolls with the waves. Cars that run on liter bottles of soda. Recycling at it's best. Were you to toss your half-eaten bag of chips to the curb, you wouldn't be littering, you'd be Nation-Building!
"And what about food?" I'm assuming you ask? Well c'mon, the entire place is one huge gill-net. If you're too lazy to walk to the edge and pluck a fish out of the six-pack ring yourself then you might not have the pioneer spirit needed for this adventure of a lifetime.
Imagine being a legal resident in the new continent of PALSTERICA, made up of all the people who think that it's more important to vote for a singer every month than for president. Everyone who thinks cage-fighting is a good sport for their children to get into. The people who think hanging rubber bull testicles off of their trailer hitch actually compensates for anything.
And if you and the family need to get away, then hop a ferry boat to EUROTRASIA. Things are much looser there, in the sense that their floating debris is not as densely packed. Watch your step walking around and put all valuable electronics in a zip-lock bag.
The more consumers live there, the more things we'll throw away, and we can build a third island, CRAPLANTIS. On and on, bigger and bigger. It's what we do best.
Look, I know this idea isn't fully formed yet, but neither are these new properties. It's just a dream. A dream of being able to turn a dump into an empire -- or Dumpire. It would reach from shore to filthy shore. A Gar-bridge. You could walk across, like our early ancestors did, and meet your long lost family.
We would of course, have to burp the coastline like Tupperware once a week but it's a small cost for the chance to king of all we survey.
"One small step for man... That's all I've got so far."