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An Open Letter from BP[Updated]

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UPDATE, July 26, 2010, LONDON, United Kingdom.

To Today's Haters:

I think there's one thing we can all agree on: accidents happen. Sometimes they happen a lot, actually. Did you know that there are more than 6 million traffic accidents each year and that 29 million people will visit the emergency room in 2010? Accidents happen all the time, people slip on the ice, trees fall down, it's crazy! So I don't really think it's a stretch to think that a couple of nice fellas could potentially mis-remember some "cement on some important pipes" under an offshore oil rig (oopsie!), causing it to go boom-boom!

I mean all this minor mishap did was create a silly little oil spill and maybe send a few naughty sharkies in some weepy little Mexican ocean up to Happy Heaven!

Now, I've been asked many times how a whoops-a-daisy like this can happen, and I'll tell you what I think ... I think SOMEBODY just had a little case of the Mondays!!!! Seriously, the world is a dangerous place; inexplicable, bad things like this can happen to anyone! Nothin' a little elbow grease and hard work can't fix, am I right boys?!?!

Also, you don't know somebody until you walk a mile in their shoes, and I think you could all benefit from considering this from my point of view: so there you are ... you're a goodly big company producing the sweet, sweet crack fuel that took my baby drives our economy ... and the poor victim of circumstances that just HAPPENED to create a minor uh-oh followed by a whoopsie-doodle ... and THEN ... after all this pain, and costly therapy with Dr. Katzenberg, and sweaty time spent cleaning those gross happy seagulls and clams ... some liberal wisenheimers have the nerve to kick you right in the pants while you're down, uncovering the fact that you've been doctoring and Photoshopping images of this totally inadvertent messy mess. To tidy them up!

For shame! Hissss! Booooo!

I can't just let you see what is actually on every single screen in my Command Center ... the stuff was totally NSFW ... I mean do you think Batman just lets everyone see what's going on in the Bat Cave? And just because I wanted to cover up the fact that there were three blank screens in my command center, doesn't mean we're having server issues or that we don't more depressing things to look at ... no and it's TOTALLY not like I was super worried about what the bloggers might say about me or something. I could care less what they say. I am COMPLETELY impervious to withering, ironic commentary from bloggers. I eat trolls for breakfast.

I mean, really, who wouldn't do the same thing during this frightful situation, the poor lamb! I just don't understand why some people still seem angry with me.The pictures were just SO scary and sad, and I didn't want the children getting upset. You know how they get, the children. Ok, if you're so smart, YOU tell us why these photos were doctored. That's what I thought. You can't. No we're not gun shy, YOU'RE gun shy. Loser. Psshhaw, no, it's not like anything that even looks remotely like it has oil in it or unhappy or frowny-faced gets Photoshopped.

Oh yeah? Well maybe next time, we'll just add some cute little kittens to the images we doctor. I mean, if you could look at the big nasty oil drippy-drop, or some sleepy, nice kittens, which would you choose? The kittens, duh.

YOU WILL LOOK AT THE F**KING KITTENS. NOTHING ELSE.

Ahem, excuse me. Now THIS image could use some kittens -- if it were actually depressing. I think it just looks like the Earth has a mustache! The planet is in disguise! It's hiding from Uranus! Derp. But, see, this is just a simulation ... a "guesstimation" type projection plus a little Photoshop. I just wanted to show you what REAL deception looks like...

We have absolutely nothing to hide. OMG did you hear about Mel Gibson ... what a jerk, right?!? Now that guy is evil...

Geez, anyway, if you want depressing, I'll show you depressing. How about IRAN getting caught in a silly little sitch like mine when they launched some big fireworks and goofed around with Photoshop? They were just trying to impress us, the ninnies. Someone's got missile envy! We, on the other hand, were just being thoughtful and just trying not to depress everybody with transparency or something! I mean Iran has the Adobe Suite, so why's everybody so surprised that I, British Petroleum, do too? It's the 90's, people! LOLZ! Get with the program! Who's comparing me to Iran? Unfair!

Does anyone know a really good PR firm? Just curious, you know, because Reggie Bush is really going to need one!!!!!! Can you believe he accepted money and benefits while he was in college?? What a lousy thing to do! Give back that Heisman, Reggie!

Come on ... so there's an itty bit of oil in the ocean ... it's not like we could drink that water, Dodo-brains! And you know what!?!? Oil on the water makes pretty rainbows!

*Boing-oing-oing* *Zip* *Honk*

Oh, LOOK AT THIS, LOOK at when Mark Zuckerberg was asked recently about the possibility of Facebook making an initial public offering (and becoming a publicly traded company), he said, "At some point, sure ... it's probably not that different from [running a public company compared with a privately held one]."

!!!!

After many in the audience laughed at the naivete of Marky's statement (the meanie-heads!), he back-tracked. So, there! See, here's this really, really rich, really smart, nice young boy who doesn't even UNDERSTAND what the bad pressure and awful-hard scrutiny of living up to stockholder expectations and earnings reports is REALLY LIKE. Oh my, what it does to your skin! I'm getting indigestion just thinking about it. Let me deal with it ... you go out and play!

You have to remember: it's really, really super hard to be a big public corporation. Like it or not, image is everything ... (I blame culture) ... so sometimes we have to make grown-up, understandable decisions in the best interest of our nice smile shareholders! You see, this whole thing wasn't an action undertaken for our own sake, no, this was for our people. We Photoshop in the name of those we care about! And we really, really care. Honest Injun! Shucks, there I go again! Honest Native American!!

I mean what about the big banks? Don't forget about them and how awful they are. All kidding aside, every time I see that ASPCA, animal cruelty commercial with Sarah McLachlan I just want to cry. (Don't make one of these for the oil spill, because I'll hunt you!)

Okay, so we're just not very good at Photoshop yet, but we'll get better, we promise! We're getting Photoshop CS5 next week when we can scrape together enough pennies! Yay!

So ... can we be friends again?

... You can come to my birthday party ...

"I'll drink your milkshake!?!?"

Anyway, gotta boogie. Gotta catch the next space shuttle. Will write when I get to Mars.

Love always,
BP

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