In perhaps the most unsurprising news since Tiger's decision to return for the Masters, Lenny Dykstra losing all of his money to late night infomercials, or Jim Cramer being under investigation by the SEC, The Wall Street Journal is reporting that Bernie Madoff got his nose broke and face re-arranged by another inmate in the slammer.
According to reports, Bernie rudely refused to acknowledge the inmate's invitations to his Gun Show, and thus, was promptly "made a b*tch."
"Ese got out of pocket, so we decided to give him a little tune-up," Mo The Mallet told reporters, "took him out to the yard, did the Watusi on his grill. Dude is lucky he didn't get the shank."
In another fine showing by Irony, the WSJ article says that the dispute centered on money the assailant thought Madoff owed him. It is not clear whether the attacker will be receiving a Humanitarian Award.
According to reports, Madoff -- a.k.a. Prisoner #61727-054 -- has been trying to gather a prison posse "to repay those responsible" for some time now. He apparently has promised willing parties some of Steven Spielberg's money and a couple of backrubs if they will help him in his quest for righteous justice. So far, only one other prisoner has signed on, but former inmates say that Madoff's recruit is the type of guy will do anything if you ask him three times and give him your apple sauce at lunch.
This is not Madoff's first brush with hand-to-hand combat. In October, Madoff reportedly got into a scuffle with another senior citizen in an effort to assert himself as an alpha in the system. Both were hospitalized with heart palpitations and minor scuffing before a winner could be decided.
Madoff's lawyers refuse to comment on his actions in prison, or anything else, seemingly because they do not want to jeopardize his reputation. Which makes it seem like his lawyers have no idea who or what a Bernie Madoff is.
"Dad, just stay out of the news, we're trying to find jobs," his sons pleaded in an interview.
The WSJ also reported that Bernie has formed a close relationship with John Mancini, a pharmacist incarcerated for illegally distributing five million tablets of Vicodin. Mancini is believed to have brought a stash of the painkiller to prison. However, neither he nor Bern-alicious could be reached to comment on Madoff's injuries, because both were reportedly very "sleepy" and enjoying an episode of Lost. Sources indicate that Madoff fancies himself more of a "Jack" than a "Sawyer."
Mancini and Madoff hope to open a prison bookstore together, though it is not clear who will "wear the britches," according to the WSJ.
It is also not known whether Madoff will play for the "shirts" or the "skins" in the upcoming prison yard bat-less baseball tournament. The winning team takes home -- well, to cell block C -- 5 cartons of Newports and a Paula Abdul poster. The losing team has to spoon the guy from The Green Mile, and do a month on the chain gang for the mean old warden.
What is known, however, is that Beelzebub -- also known colloquially as the Prince of Darkness and Satan -- has a Bernie Madoff bobblehead doll on his desk. "I freakin LOVE that guy," the Prince of Hell said by phone from his office at the DMV. "Can't wait to meet him."
Next month's activities: Bernie aligns with an unruly syndicate of fraudsters and gets tatted up.