NEW YORK -- The Associated Press released a statement yesterday informing the nation that Journalism, the beleaguered profession of news-gatherers and reporters, was 'sick and tired of being sick and tired' and has had it up to 'here' with y'all's 'bleep-ing bull-bleep.'
Of late, the traditional media in which Journalism presents itself, such as newspapers and magazines, has been suffering from what some would call a lack of 'identifiable revenue streams' and may soon be forced into early retirement.
Yesterday, when asked to comment on its future with these media, and how it might become profitable again, Print Journalism replied, "Why don't you go ask your boy-friend, Mr. Blogs?" It then ducked into T.G.I. Friday's to meet some 'friends' for a 'few' drinks.
Much of Print Journalism's struggle to survive is a result of the world's increasing access to - and comfort with - digital technology. Many believe that the in-fighting amongst the various incarnations of Journalism will lead to Digital Journalism replacing its father as the sovereign medium for the news.
However, some fringe thinkers are suspicious of Digital Journalism's ascendancy, suggesting that it could be the result of foul-play, or a massive liberal conspiracy: "It's no secret that Print Journalism uses up a lot of paper," said conservative Radio Host Todd Geralds, "and where does paper come from? From trees, of course. And who likes trees? Liberals. Bam! There you have it. The powerful Tree Huggers Lobby dupes us all once again. Next thing you know we'll be using Google Chips instead of paper money. But WHERE does it end?"
Of course, in the past, Print Journalism has attempted to distance itself from this kind of rationale, and its legal counsel was quoted in the Washington Post last week saying that its relationship with its son, Digital Journalism, was becoming productive.
According to these reports, Print Journalism regretted calling its son "an ungrateful whippersnapper" and hopes to avoid the becoming the King Lear of Journalism or in any way 'blame' its son for its decline. However, Print Journalism did remain worried that people are becoming more interested in watching 'YouTube videos of animals doing people things,' rather than caring about what's going in actual 'people news.'
On the other hand, Televised Journalism, Print Journalism's more attractive child, has not suffered as visibly as other members of its family, yet many suggest that TV Journalism could be doing a better job of investigating things - all kinds of things - while it still has some money and influence.
The most notable example came just last week, when Jon Stewart, the well-known comedian and anchor of the Daily Show, made headlines for reprimanding pundit and Televised Journalist Jim Cramer, of CNBC.
Stewart chastised Cramer for showing a lack of Journalistic Integrity and apparent hypocrisy in his coverage of the financial crisis, asking him biting questions during the interview, in what some called a 'a breath-taking Journalistic Inquisition.'
Cramer, who has his own show called "Mad Money" on CNBC and is known for giving loud and often confusing financial advice and seizures to his viewers on 'Main Street,' appeared awe-struck as he was confronted by Stewart's deft use of moralizing Investigative Journalism.
Yesterday, A.P. Publicity Director Arnie Winkelmann, speaking publicly on Journalism's behalf, begged to differ: "What does Jon Stewart think he's doing? The guy is a comedian, for Chrissake. He and his brilliant team of comedy writers are constantly acting like journalists, investigating thorny, complicated issues, looking for answers at any cost while making people laugh...it's just embarrassing," he said.
When asked for whom the performance was most embarrassing, Winkelmann barked, "for him, of course. I mean he says he's one thing, but then he acts like another. It's like he's suffering from an identity crisis or something, what an idiot. Stay where you belong, Stewart, on Clown Central, or whatever it's called," the spokesman said.
Sports Journalism also chose to offer a warning to Jon Stewart, saying that one often feels a sense of justice when investigating suspicious and likely criminal activity, in playing hardball, "after all, I was the one who, albeit a decade late, helped to reveal that many of our favorite sports are populated by steroid-inflated freaks," Sports Journalism said, "but now home runs make me nervous, and I've taken to watching hockey and the WNBA. I'm seeing a shrink, and I fear for my life, Jon. Be warned."
Of course, others were more optimistic and chose to see Jon Stewart's display of investigative reporting as positive publicity for Journalism as a whole, which is sorely in need of a Woodward and Bernstein to revitalize its thinning ranks.
After all, at midnight last night, when Print Journalism finally emerged from T.G.I. Friday's, reports indicated that its behavior has now become an obvious, if unintended, cry for help. Allegedly extremely intoxicated, Print Journalism was observed offering 'free mammograms' to departing customers and repeatedly attempted to light the wrong end of a cigarette.
The Tabloids, who happened to be on the scene, were quoted as saying, "You know, Print Journalism is kinda cute...like for an old hobo. It kinda almost looks like a beat artist or something."
When asked if it needed a ride home, or perhaps a government bailout, Print Journalism replied, "I don't need your stinkin' pity...I'm retiring and going someplace where people need me, like Iceland." It then tried to rush a group of unsuspecting pigeon, but fell over a trash can.
"I'm not crying, I just have something in my eye," Journalism said, before stumbling home to watch "All the President's Men" on VHS for the 43rd time this week.