The following is a direct example of the struggle of having Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). It has not been toned down or censored. This is what I go through almost daily. It is an ongoing battle that I will never stop fighting.
The self-doubt, negative feelings, worry, second guessing and fear invade my brain. This is what it's like in my mind, and this is just some of the characteristics of Borderline Personality Disorder. My husband answered a text of mine but the text was short and wasn't the response I thought I would receive as I sent him a "cute" message. For the hour in between my "cute" text and his response the thoughts of self-doubt and worry were being battled by the real me. I talked out loud to myself saying, "Risa, do not do this. Do not go there. You do not deserve to allow these thoughts to become real."
Thus the battle begins. It was an hour long, as I said before and it was intense and exhausting. The conversation continued in my head.
"He should just leave me. I am the cause of a lot of his stress. I'm the reason we are having financial difficulties."
"Wait, stop it! He's not leaving me. That is ridiculous. I am being ridiculous and taking this to some figurative non-existent level. I don't deserve this!"
"Okay, this is true. I need to stop engaging with these horrible thoughts but they keep trying to suck me back in. This is really hard for me. "
"Why does he love me?"
"Stop it. Of course he loves me."
"I am the cause of so many problems."
"Enough! This is not about me! I am not that powerful so stop making this about me. I have no idea why he hasn't responded. He could be driving or simply busy at work."
"Use my good cognition. I can do it."
Just as I realized I won, that is, the real me won out over the "noise" inside of me, I received a text from my husband telling me he was having a rough day. I continued to use my good cognition to accept his answer and to reply to him with a supportive response. It was about him not me.
I feel as if my therapist coined the term "use your good cognition" as she frequently tells me this. I am now able to tell myself this and to follow through on using it. It is not easy though. This is only one example of the "noise" in my head. I hope it continues to ebb into a soft melodic sound rather than the back and forth arguing, put downs and assumptions that have been there for so long. I know that is not the real me but since it has been a part of me for decades it is difficult to simply ignore it. I am still caught up in it and saying that I am fighting every single day is exactly what I am doing. Some days the noise is down to a quiet roar and some days the noise is deafening.
This is Borderline Personality Disorder. Being manipulative in relationships is one of the symptoms of BPD but I see it as not being manipulative, it's being protective. To be honest, I hate the word manipulative and to be thought of as a manipulative person does not exactly feel very good. If I told my husband the thoughts his "slow" response brought up for me, yes, I would be manipulating the situation to make it about me and my worries but behind that would be the impetus for that behavior which is an intense fear of abandonment which can feel very real. This instance I was lucky because I was strong enough to fight the negative thoughts and noise and win. That one hour was filled with many different emotions and I am proud to say that it all ended with me feeling stronger, braver and ready to continue the fight.