Dear Tucker Carlson,
I am a male Caucasian college athlete with a robust sexual appetite. Thanks to Karen Russell, I know you said the woman those Duke students are accused of raping was a "crypto-hooker" whose testimony shouldn't be taken as seriously as other people's. Awesome point! Could you please write me back and tell me what other jobs make a woman's testimony easy to ignore? I have a good reason for asking.
I guess you also said that anyone who rapes anybody, even "crypto-hookers," should be punished. I, like, basically agree with that too. But here's the thing. In my world, sometimes these ladies don't know what they want. And so sometimes I need to show them, if you catch my drift.
See, you might not hang around the kind of ladies I do, but there can always be -- what would you call it? -- a misunderstanding between me and the lady in question. Because I know what they really want.
A guy like you probably doesn't understand how much opinions like yours mean to a guy like me. Like when you said this:
"... the testimony of an ordinary person is different from the testimony of someone who hires herself out to dance naked in front of and, yes, sometimes sleep with people, strangers, right? They're different. It's OK to have a bias against strippers in this case, isn't it?"
"... her testimony about matters of sex is to be taken by ordinary commonsense people a little differently than the testimony of someone who isn't a crypto-hooker."
So, here's my deal: I want to -- how should I say this? -- be sure to "date" the kind of girls who can't get me into a lot of legal trouble if we have a ... misunderstanding. But I'm a little confused about this Duke thing: Is this chick's word useless because she "dances naked" in front of strangers, or because she "sleeps with strangers," or both? (I hadn't heard that she actually sleeps with them, but you're on TV so you must know.)
I mean, if a lap dancer and I have a little, um, scuffle, will I be able to beat the charges because it's my word against hers -- or does she have to screw around a lot too? Believe me, I do not want to get this wrong. I come from a major family and have a bright future, and a rape charge would definitely interfere with my plans.
Mr. Carlson, if you could also tell me what other ladies' jobs make them hard to believe about rape, that would be great. For example, the receptionist at my Dad's law firm wears these really low-cut blouses and is paid to be real charming to all the clients. Could I "date" her in my own way without worrying about the legal, heh-heh, ramifications?
How about that girl at Starbucks who wears a lot of eye shadow? I hear she's really, uh, open-minded. Or the honeys who work the front desk at this four-star hotel we always stay at on vacation?
And what about some of these celebrities? I mean, have you seen their "home movies"? They've gotta be fair game, too. And if lap dancers are safe, what about those ho's who dance in rap videos? Or rock videos? What about country videos?
Now like I say, you seem like a nice, decent man. So you probably don't know what it's like to "party" with these kinds of women. But believe me, they're asking for it. So it would be really helpful if you could give me a list of jobs that make a woman's testimony unreliable. I'd consider it a real favor.
You know, man to man.
Yours truly,
A Real Fun-Loving Guy
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P. S. If screwing strangers for money makes a woman's word unreliable, then does being her john also make you unreliable? Because I really like that Dick Morris guy (he seems to agree with you a lot too), and I don't want to think I can't believe him anymore because he did a hooker or two back in the day.
Oh, wait, I forgot -- he's a man.