The Special Prosecutor Will Be With You In a Moment. Please Continue to Hold

Prayers for White House indictments will be handled in the order in which they were received. Do NOT hang up and pray again. We are currently busy handling the prayers of other progressives. For more immediate service, you may visit our website. Your schadenfreude is very important to us, so please continue to hold and we will serve you as soon as possible.

You will enjoy listening to these recordings of some old familiar favorites while you continue to wait. You remember “Darfur,” don’t you? You never seem to hear this one on the radio anymore. The situation's deteriorating over there, but it's not like the women and children murdered there were ever married to a CNN legal commentator or anything. So it's not really newsworthy ...

Hey, move over, Michael Bolton. Here come the Senate Republicans, with an oldie but goodie for your autumn listening pleasure. Once again, they're denying poor people the money for heating oil while their oil company pals enjoy huge profits. Makes me get all nostalgic for the days of the Cheney Energy Task Force.

And remember that old World Trade Center attack, way back in the Roaring Nineties? Today a jury found the Port Authority partially responsible, since they had received five reports that the parking garage was vulnerable to terrorist attack and never did anything about it. "Bin Laden Determined to Strike in Parking Level 2" ... Say, these guys got sued and Condi Rice got promoted! New York really is a tough town, huh?

Speaking of oldies, irrational puritanism is back is style. The retail chain Albertson’s doesn’t mind selling condoms and men’s sex tips, but it doesn’t want teenaged girls to get health information about their own bodies in “Seventeen” magazine. They’ve got that old-fashioned attitude: girl’s bodies are yucky.

Oh, one other thing: In case you missed it last week, all those paranoid crazies who said the government was spying on you in crazy ways – oh, like embedding secret patterns in your printer so they could trace a document back to you – were right. Wonder what else is going on that we don’t know about? Maybe we'll just broadcast the rest of our Muzak hits directly to the fillings in your teeth!

Again, thank you for waiting. Your business is very important to us. This message will repeat itself over and over until your prayer has been answered. Thank you for contacting us, and have a great day – maybe even tomorrow.

A Night Light