I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here! Episode 5 Recap: Save Me Jesus!

07/10/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011
  • Rob Cohen Rob Cohen is a television writer, most recently of "Jobsite" on the History Channel.

At this moment in my life, there are two shows I watch every day: I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here! and The Price is Right. That's just sad. Not the Price is Right part. At least that show is dramatically coherent and sparks some intelligent discussion. I'm A Celebrity, on the other hand, continues to amaze me by coming up with new ways to make absolutely no sense. This has to be the last episode I watch sober, or I don't think I'll make it. Here's a recap of Monday's episode.

Act One:
I have nothing to say about the first act other than I can't believe this shit is going to last for two hours tonight. What a twist. A terrible one. At least the show remains a bit unpredictable.

Act Two:
This is unbearable. The devil was trying to bring forces of evil to make Spencer leave? But something good told him to go back? They've been praying the whole time they were gone? Perhaps the worst part is that Stephen Baldwin and Lou Diamond Philips are actually buying it. Thank God at least Daniel Baldwin can see that it's "convenient Christianity." Although "convenient" is putting it nicely. More like "sinister" Christianity. What they're doing is an insult to all religions everywhere.

Act Three:
I could go on and on about Heidi discussing the evil demons that are coming out of her, but I don't think it's worth the time or effort. It's too absurd to discuss.

It's a bit sad that Frances is now leaving the show, and so soon in the episode, but it makes me wonder what the point of this show really is. Apparently it's not to survive in the jungle and win money for charity. Frances' departure so quickly after Angela's proves that even the likable "characters" on this show are there for the wrong reasons. Except Sanjaya. He'd live in the jungle the rest of his life if he could, I bet. And his comment on Frances leaving sums it up pretty perfectly: "The situation is kinda random." It's also a pretty good way to summarize this entire show.

Act Four:
Holy crap. I can't watch this. Spencer is yelling to the heaven's, trying to talk to Jesus, and now he's giving Patti Blagojevich advice, telling her to speak out and tell the world the truth? If this show makes its viewers sympathetic to the Blagojevich's, I'll never forgive you, NBC. If I didn't know better, the storytelling, slow editing, and dramatic music in this episode are turning Patti into a hero.

Act Five:
This food trial looks like the most awful thing in the world to me, but Sanjaya actually did it pretty quickly and easily. I think I developed claustrophobia just by watching it.

Act Six:
Janice really panicked. That was ridiculous. And I can't stop laughing. Especially after all that talk about how fearless she is. But now that she's back in the camp crying, it's just starting to get sad.

Also, the amount of bug bites they have is ridiculous. It looks like Sanjaya has the chicken pox.

Act Seven:
That was a nice little inspiring segment about Sanjaya. At least this show will be good for someone's career.

Finally, they're getting to Heidi's "convulsive vomiting" that we've read so much about. So it wasn't any sort of torture NBC inflicted on them: Heidi quit because she was drinking one bottle of water a day instead of six and wasn't eating. How incredibly surprising...

Random side note: the caption when Spencer said "excited" read "excitied." Don't know why that's funny, but it is.

Act Eight:
Apparently this game has no consequences. Food trials mean nothing because they probably end up sharing the food anyway -- notice how they haven't shown us anyone eating the food since the first episode? Now they're doing a trial to select a leader, but does that really mean anything? They get to assign chores? Come on!

This is almost too ridiculous to watch. 5 out of 8 of them QUIT, including all the women! Even for I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!, we're hearing a bit too much "I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!" My favorite part is when the hosts try to make them say the entire phrase, but they just say "No!" or "I'm out!" or "Stop!" It's funny how much it pisses off the hosts -- and how much it must piss off the producers -- especially because it makes absolutely no different to viewers.

Act Nine:
Really? Even Sanjaya is out? On bull's testicles? Honestly, the testicles seem much more edible than those petrified worms he had to eat in the last round. In some places, testicle is considered a delicacy. I'm assuming.

After five people dropped out, I thought this challenge couldn't get any more pointless. But then the final three dropped out. EVERYONE dropped out!! Why are we watching this??!! And then, stupidly, the hosts and/or producers didn't give Daniel Baldwin the win, which would've spiced up daily life in the camp a bit. Apparently the "rules" state that he had to finish the dish, even though he ate more than anyone else, but the "rules" don't state what happens after that, so they just voted for Lou to continue as leader. Unbelievable.

This segment about the celebrities' charities is marginally interesting, and gives the show a tiny, miniscule bit of dignity and credibility. Too bad they throw it out the window in every other segment. And shouldn't they have aired this bit during week one?

Act Ten:
Finally, Heidi and Spencer are gone. For good. I think? I thought so last time. And the time before that. And they were back both times. But this time it's for good! Well, we'll see. Too bad she couldn't just eat some food and drink some water and not get a gastric ulcer. Up to this point, four celebrities have left the show, three of them of their own volition. Only one person has been "voted off." What a show.

Daniel Baldwin continues to be the only person in camp who makes any sense. Maybe that's why the brought him in. He's the only one who wants to play by the rules, and without the rules, we're just watching people hang out in the jungle -- which is what's been happening for the first week. Maybe Daniel Baldwin can turn this thing around and actually make the next week dramatic.

Janice is sitting out the immunity trial on doctor's orders? Hmmm, this sounds familiar... Makes me think she's leaving the show, too, but they haven't edited that footage together yet. Even when it was stupid and ridiculous, at least we didn't know what would happen next. Now that's over. Add predictability to the list of this show's main features.

Act Eleven:
Why are they doing this? Didn't they learn from their mistake last week? That was a full two-hour episode leading up to an immunity trial, but they didn't start it until there were only four minutes left. Then they made us watch the celebrities hanging from a beam above some water for about thirty seconds before cutting away to a preview of the next episode. The first time I thought it was poor planning, but now I'm thinking it's actually a production strategy. What's the point of bring the challenge to us live if you're going to cut away after thirty seconds and then show us the recap in two days, taped and edited?

At least we don't have to watch this show on Tuesday night. I never thought I'd say this, but thank God for the Stanley Cup. Too bad Wednesday will bring us two more hours of I'm A Celebrity. There's got to be a way to edit that down to one hour. Or thirty minutes. Or ten minutes. Or a two-minute recap. I think I could blog based on a two-minute recap. It wouldn't make much of a difference.