It's hard to believe that I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here! could reach new levels of absurdity and boredom at the same time. Usually something that's absurd is at least entertaining. This is a first for NBC. I'm not sure if the second hour Wednesday night was a bonus or a curse. Either way, here's the (extended) recap:
Act One:
In the opening montage, it looked like they showed us the women winning, and the announces saying "The women fight back." If the women do end up winning, that was a ridiculous spoiler.
Daniel Baldwin's statement that "the opportunity to be immune is the best prize you can win in this competition." Really? I thought they're all trying to revive their sagging careers? Wouldn't that be a better prize?
I've finally decided that alcohol is necessary for viewing this show. Consuming beer #1.
Act Two:
An entire segment on monkeys? Glad I have a beer in me.
Janice is making me despise her. "Do I like doing dishes? No. I have been famous since 1974." Fact: famous people should never do dishes.
Act Three:
Do they really need to recap the second act at the beginning of the third act? We can't remember? Does NBC think they're really getting NEW viewers between each act break who will need to understand what's going on? We're stupid for watching this show, but we're not that stupid.
The arrival of Holly Montag is the least interesting surprising thing that's happened yet. And if Janice is now allied with Holly, are we supposed to see Holly as an antagonist as well?
Act Four:
I love that Holly doesn't care if she shocks Janice a couple times on the path to victory. This show really thinks of great punishments for its villains.
The "tie-breaker" round was extremely anti-climactic. They're really just making this up as they go along. Does anyone really care who wins a food trial? Food is something we can't experience as viewers. Why don't the challenges have meaningful consequences for us as viewers? The whole thing is pointless! Consuming beer #2.
Act Five:
Alright, Patti's trying to garner sympathy for her family again (Helicopters were flying over your house?! Oh no!). I think I need to fast forward. Patti, you're right, it is nice that the people on this show believe the crap you're peddling. It's nice for you. Too bad the viewers aren't buying it. Enjoy the good life in the jungle while it lasts.
I shouldn't have stopped fast forwarding. An entire segment on food is pointless. It doesn't matter to viewers at home! How about we design a game with consequences that's interesting to watch? Consuming beer #3.
Act Six:
This act was spent on emotional stories about loved ones the celebrities knew who have died. Am I a bad person for thinking it's unbearable? I doubt it. I don't buy it for a second. Janice actually redeemed herself a bit when they cut to her sleeping through the whole thing.
Act Seven:
I really don't need to see Janice taking a piss right next to her bed. Dear God. I can't believe they spent an entire act discussing it and getting revenge for it. I really hope she takes a shit on one of the Baldwin's pillows like she promised.
Act Eight:
Janice's is a nut job. That comparison to Courtney Love was pretty applicable. I just wish I were actually interested in this conflict.
Act Nine:
Just finished beer #4 and nothing that's happening on the show is more interesting than that.
Act Ten:
No surprise that Patti was good with numbers. She must've been in charge of cooking the books somewhere at some time.
Why is it not raining in camp when there's a torrential downpour through the rest of the forest? Is there a roof over their heads they haven't been showing us? I guess there must be -- and I should've realized it earlier. The lighting designer is very good.
Act Eleven:
As I listen to this ridiculous argument between Janice and the rest of camp, I can't pull my focus away from Janice: I understanding oiling up your legs, but do you really need the stuff all over your face?
I'm strangely intrigued by this final conflict. Janice is absolutely insane to have stolen one of the granola bars. This would be legitimately entertaining if it didn't look so staged.
I stopped counting how many beers I was drinking. It wasn't enough.