"Men account for three quarters of the 7 million U.S. job losses. That has led to talk of a 'man-cession.'" ~ Christopher Swann
Here are fifteen signs that may suggest you're still in a 'man-cession':
1.) You're still unemployed, under-employed, or otherwise not deployed to any work place.
2.) You marvel at the ease of applying for jobs online and upload your resume to scores of employers, and you never hear from any of them for the rest of your days on earth.
3.) You're in charge of allowing employed men into your house to inspect infra-structure things that grunt and hiss in your basement.
"So, you have the day off?" the employed worker will ask.
"Yes," you lie.
To your credit, however, you got out of your PJ's seconds before he rang the bell.
4.) You put on a clean shirt and pressed slacks to walk to the mailbox because, well, you never know.
5.) Your teenage daughter introduces you to Facebook then requests you not contact her on Facebook. Left alone, you attempt to befriend all known acquaintances, including a girl you dated twice, maybe once, in high school 33 years ago this month. An anniversary, of sorts.
6.) You fish out your AARP card, apologize for all the mean things you said about it, and activate that sucker. Discounts at any Knights Inn!
7.) You watch far too much TV - with the exception of ESPN, ESPN2, MASN, "Modern Marvels," "Extreme Machines - Military Force," "Deadliest Catch," "City Confidential" and, of course, "American Justice." Oh, and the FiOS Tutorial and Features Channel, which features a friendly, knowledgeable host who happens to look good in blue especially when viewed in High Definition.
8.) You are able to save money on gas, lunch outs, vending machine snacks (Almond Joys; Snickers), your 401(K), trips to the coffee house across the street from where you once worked. You also save a bundle by not having a salary because a paycheck can really add up.
9.) You put on another clean shirt and go to the grocery store. It's your second trip in three days because you forgot coffee. Special House Blend or something.
"So, you have the day off?" the employed cashier will say.
"No, just running errands on my lunch break."
You ask her to fill in your coffee card. She does. Yours is an unspoken bond.
10.) You chat more with the older fellow on your street, as you both haul up the recycling cans. He always seemed so much older. You realize you have aged 10 years in 13 months.
11.) You begin to see the merits of a half-screen guide to a full-screen guide on FiOs, thanks to your tutor in blue. "Remember, I'm always here to help you learn more about your FiOS TV service," she says throughout the day.
12.) You have time to reflect on the meaning of life and the path to true happiness. You have time to shed excess possessions and simplify your life. You have time to pout.
13.) You have time to observe your deaf, 14-year-old Labrador, whose daytime habits are remarkably similar to his nighttime routine. He can't hear the vacuum cleaner any more. (This makes you sadder than you should be.)
14.) You have way too much time.
15.) You see in the news that the GDP grew in the third quarter. This might be good news, although it's hard to say. You don't feel any better, but tomorrow is another day. The water guy is scheduled to come between 10 a.m. and 2 p.m., which will cut into "City Confidential." The water guy will go down into your basement and do things to your water.
"So, you have the day off?" he'll say.
You could tell him the truth.