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Today's Sign of the Apocalypse: Island Fever

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My new book, Apocalypse How, is about how the world is about to end... and why we should be psyched! It's the first-ever work of apocalyptic literature that "accentuates the positive" -- and teaches you how to not just survive, but thrive. As with any exciting new endeavor, however, the key to thriving in a post-apocalyptic world is PREPARATION. In that spirit, I'll be alerting you whenever I spot a sign of our impending doom -- or should I say, your impending opportunity!

Today's Sign: Barack Obama defeats Hillary Clinton in the Democratic caucus on the Pacific island of Guam.

Why That's A Sign:
1. Obama won by seven votes, each of which - in accordance with standard voting protocol - was sealed. Seven seals....hello?
2. Guam yields eight delegates, but each of them only gets half a vote. In other words, an army of eight satyrs, centaurs, or minotaurs is on the march.

What To Expect:
Long-dormant Pacific volcano deity (and self-described "Obama Goddess") Pele will celebrate the vote for Hawaiian-born Obama by unleashing a massive cloud of half-black, half-white ash to cover the world.

Why That's Great News: A permanent cloud canopy over the earth will bring a permanent end to global warming, skin cancer, and meteorologists.

How To Prepare: Stock up on nightlights and spray-tan. If you're a celebrity, start bragging about all the "carbon onsets" you buy.

Daily Show writer Rob Kutner's Apocalypse How is available in stores May 12th, or online here.