Could my gender be inhibiting my son's social life? It's dawning on me that the answer is yes. As a father, I didn't anticipate any dreaded "dating" issues rearing their confusing heads for many years. Silly me, as a brand new stay-at-home father, I'd overlooked a staple of any city kid's proper socialization: the "play date."
Don't be fooled by the name, the "play date" is just as ritualistic and strewn with complex subtleties as any high school courtship. Not necessarily for the kids -- they just want to have fun -- but for the parents. You must decide which partner will be most suitable. You mustn't appear desperate for a date. And you should be careful about becoming exclusive too quickly lest you miss out on other opportunities. The general attitude seems to be, "my son/daughter is quite busy, but we'll do our best to fit you in."
This is foreign to me for a couple of reasons. First, I come from the "go out and play" suburbs where my parents didn't expect to see me until the streetlights came one. Second, anything strewn with complex subtleties usually confounds me. I can be a blunt instrument, as they say.
However, I believe the reason this is just now dawning on me is weather related. Nine months of the year are for romping in the playgrounds as far as my son and I are concerned; and here on Manhattan's Upper West Side you can barely walk a block without tripping over one. No date required. Faces become familiar. Parents and caregivers intermingle among the semi-controlled chaos in the great outdoors.
However it's these winter months, when the "playing" moves inside, that the "dating" gets more complicated. Often times it seems the kids playing is just a cover for moms and nannies to get together and enjoy some interaction with other moms and nannies -- in other words, girl talk. (Before you label me a chauvinist, that's how a woman explained it to me.) That's where my maleness seems to be a hindrance. Oh, in passing there has been the occasional, "We should get the kids together," but never any follow through. After all, what would we talk about?
Moreover, I imagine it could be awkward for a woman to invite a relatively unknown man over, and vice versa. No matter how "enlightened" we like to think of ourselves here on the Upper West Side, there's still the potential perception of impropriety. Spending afternoons in another man's house with another man's wife and child could be a recipe for scandal. Movies like Little Children, which seems to be on a constant cable loop these days, don't help. Anyone who's ever experienced a real life "play date" (vs. the Hollywood version) knows that the chances of getting all hot and bothered a la Kate Winslet and Patrick Wilson amid the inevitable screaming, crying, spilling and scolding are slim to none. And Slim just got a time out.
I'm not saying these issues aren't superficial and ultimately manageable, but ignoring them would be naïve. They exist.
So what are a dad and his son to do? Perhaps it's good preparation for the real "dating" that comes later, when things get really complicated. Actually, I think it'll be his mother who's stressed then.