Bill Clinton's Secret Advice to Barack Obama

Hello, Bill.

Hello, Barack.

If you're looking for Hillary, she's not here. She's in Jerusalem, trying to restart the Middle East peace process--good luck with that.

Heavens no! I'm here to talk with you.

Actually, now is a bad time, Bill. Healthcare's a debacle, House Speaker John Boehner's pushing his "Pledge to America," half the country thinks I'm a secret Muslim--

That's what I've come to talk with you about. This reminds me a lot of 1994. Healthcare was a debacle, House Speaker Newt Gingrich was pushing his "Contract With America," half the country thought I was a secret sex addict--

Uh, no disrespect, Bill, but you were a secret sex addict.

None taken. I was hitting on anything in a skirt from Little Rock to Washington. The point is, I managed to turn all that adversity into an advantage.

Alright, I'll bite. How'd you manage to do it?

Simple -- by embracing my secret sex addict. While Gingrich was playing Robespierre with Congress, I was playing hide the cigar with Monica Lewinsky.

I don't follow.

See, the American people -- God bless 'em -- believe in Santa Claus. They want low taxes, small deficits, and no cuts in Medicare, Social Security or defense spending. The Republicans are more than willing to play Santa Claus -- and hide their true Grinch-y selves, at least until after the election. I couldn't compete with that.

I know the feeling.

Fortunately, I didn't have to. The Republicans fell into my trap. They made it about sex. They tried to nail me for nailing an intern.

I still don't follow.

The American people already believe Washington is Sodom and Gomorrah. They may not like it, but they don't really care who's screwing whom, as long as it's not the taxpayer. The Republicans couldn't round up the necessary votes to impeach me, and I emerged more popular than ever.

This history lesson's all well and good, but what's that got to do with me? I'm not a secret sex addict, nor do I intend to become one. My only vice is Marlboros.

Simple. Embrace your Muslim identity. Make it about religion. Those liberal Democrats will stand up and fight for you instead of sitting on the sidelines and whining -- Joe Biden got that right -- about you not being the reincarnation of Franklin effing Roosevelt.

But I'm not a Muslim, secret or otherwise. I'm a Christian. I just don't wear my Christianity on my sleeve like some politicians do.

Right. I've seen your former minister. He could write speeches for Osama bin Laden.

I'm not a Muslim!

Doesn't matter. It's what people believe you are that matters. You might as well use that to your advantage.

Alright, so theoretically, suppose I decided to "embrace my Muslim identity." How would I do it without looking like a liar? I've been saying I'm a Christian all along.

Don't come right out and announce it. Drop little hints. Start using your middle name, pray five times a day to Mecca, get Michelle to wear a burqa --

That may be the hardest part. You know how fashion forward Michelle is.

Tell her it's for the good of the people. She'll understand. At the same time, make some categorical statements of denial: "I did not have spiritual intercourse with that Iman," that sort of thing. Eventually, the Republicans will try to impeach you. Then you'll be sitting pretty.

Thanks, Bill. You've given me a lot to think about.

You're welcome. Now, if you excuse me, I think I will take that trip to Jerusalem.

You mean...?

I'm going to try to talk Hillary into really becoming a lesbian. Hell, if I play my cards right, I might even get a three-way with Lady Gaga out of it.