10/29/2010 02:29 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Carl Paladino: Straight From the Horse's Mouth

Usually I steer clear of politics. Normally I follow Mr. Ed's wise dictum "don't speak unless you've got something to say." But in the case of my old buddy Carl Paladino, I can remain muzzled no longer.

No doubt you've heard about Paladino, the Republican/Tea Bagger candidate for New York Governor. How he opposes gay marriage. How he threatened to "take out" a reporter who had the temerity to ask about Paladino's mistress and love child. How he circulated an email to his business cronies in the construction industry of a woman having sex with a horse.

Well, I have a unique perspective on the whole story -- because I was that horse.

Look, I'm not proud of working in porn. But I had to do something to put feed on the table. I got laid off from the race track. We can't all be Secretariat, you know. You know what generally happens to laid off race horses? It isn't pretty. I'll give you a hint: "kibbles and bits, kibbles and bits."

So I answered an ad in Craigslist. My costar was an attractive young woman from PETA who said she wanted to put theory into practice. We hit it right off, and she's been my stablemate ever since. We're even talking about getting hitched.

That's where Carl comes in. When Carl forwarded that video, he wasn't engaging in a crude and hypocritical display of frat boy humor. He was making an impassioned plea for tolerance for the most forbidden form of love of all. (Alright, maybe not as forbidden as necrophilia. But that's a dead issue.) If a woman and a horse love each other very much, why should the Church or State say neigh?

Of course Carl's position on marriage has been totally misrepresented by the lamestream media. It's not one man, one woman. It's one penis, one vagina -- the way God intended. (Eve cheated on Adam with a snake. At least I'm a mammal, albeit a quadruped.) Species doesn't enter into it.

That's why I'm spurred to support Carl now. As I write this, Carl falls further and further behind in the polls, like a three-legged nag at the Preakness. Even the New York Post, normally a reliable supporter of all things Tea Baggerish, has turned against "Crazy Carl." (Maybe because it was their reporter Carl threatened.)

Horses have a long history in politics. Caligula appointed a horse to the Roman Senate. Catherine the Great appointed a horse to the royal boudoir. And of course almost every political race has a dark horse candidate. (Although I don't like the term "dark horse candidate" -- it's racist. What does the color of a horse's coat have to do with the content of his character?)

(I also back Christine O'Donnell, the Republican/Tea Bagger candidate for Delaware Senator. I met her once at a pagan ritual: Wacky Wiccans For Weform. That's why she's anti-masturbation -- she knows it's no match for a good horsey ride. Giddyap!)

You may well ask how a self-descried conservative, Italian Catholic, traditional-family-values, anti-pornography candidate can come out in support of interspecies companionship. ("Bestiality" is such an ugly word.)

I've never directly asked him, but I think I know why. Carl may have a pony -- a little horse -- in him. He changed his name from Palomino. He certainly has the cajones of a stallion. (Although judging from the gubernatorial debate, he has the bladder of a little girl. He walked off in the middle of former madam Kristin Davis's closing statement, saying "when you gotta go, you gotta go." Davis is kinda hot. I wonder if she's into equestrian events?) That would make him a mule -- or at least a jackass.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to run back inside -- the barn's on fire.