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Mad Mike Huckabee: Gay Marriage Fury Road

05/20/2015 05:25 pm ET | Updated May 20, 2016

In the future, Christian civilization will collapse. Bands of militant homosexuals, dressed in leather and face paint, will roam the cultural wastelands, gay marrying anyone and anything in their path. Only one man stands between them and the total destruction of traditional marriage--Mad Mike Huckabee!

But first he has to tie the knot himself.

MAD MIKE HUCKABEE (played by Tom Hardy): That's where you come in.

IMPERATOR FURIOSA (played by Charlize Theron): That's where I come in what? Take off that damn face mask--I can't understand a word you're saying. Who do you think you are--Bane in The Dark Knight Rises?

MAD MIKE (removing the face mask): There, that's better. Like I was saying, that's where you come in. If we get married in a big public ceremony, it will revive interest in the traditional institution. I know this great little pizzeria in Indiana that will cater. Pepperoni for everyone!

FURIOSA: Yes, but why me?

MAD MIKE: You're a woman, aren't you?

FURIOSA: So?

MAD MIKE (winking): I don't want to get graphic, but I have a tallywacker and you have a vavajay.

FURIOSA: So?

MAD MIKE: That's the way God intended it to be! One man and one woman--just like it says in the Bible. I'm willing to overlook your crew-cut, prosthetic arm, and general lack of femininity.

FURIOSA: Gee, thanks. Actually, they practiced polygamy in the Old Testament. King David had seven hundred wives and three hundred concubines.

MAD MIKE: Those were Jews, not Christians. You know how licentious they are. Talk to Mad Mel Gibson.

FURIOSA: Mormons practiced polygamy until the end of the nineteenth century. Some still do, in secret.

MAD MIKE: Mormons aren't Christians either. Ask Mad Mitt Romney about that. And I thought you were against polygamy. You killed SPOILER ALERT Immortan Joe and liberated his five wives, didn't you?

FURIOSA: My point is the definition of marriage has changed based on the needs of society. People used to get married at twelve or thirteen until they raised the age of consent.

MAD MIKE: It's still sixteen in Arkansas, one of the lowest in the country--a fact I'm very proud of.

FURIOSA: Caucasians and African-Americans used to not be allowed to intermarry. The last anti-miscegenation law was repealed in 1967.

MAD MIKE: Obama was the product of race mixing. Need I say more?

FURIOSA: Catholic priests were allowed to marry until the twelfth century.

MAD MIKE: Again, not Christians. Those were Catholics. Talk to Mad Rick Santorum. Anyway, marriage was always between men and women, regardless of age, race, or number of individuals involved.

FURIOSA: Not true. The ancient Greeks had a form of gay marriage, and they invented democracy.

MAD MIKE: Democracy is overrated. Have you seen the Republican presidential candidates this primary season?

FURIOSA: You've got a point. Okay, Native Americans had Two-Spirit people.

MAD MIKE: You know what happened to the Native Americans. You want to run a casino in the desert and sell cigarettes, be my guest.

FURIOSA: Actually, a casino in the desert wouldn't be such a bad idea. Maybe I can start my own Las Vegas.

MAD MIKE: You've been hanging out with Eve Ensler and her Vulvalini too much. Next you'll be telling me women aren't chattel. Speaking of Vulvalini, let's discuss personal grooming. Does the carpet match the drapes?

FURIOSA: What?

MAD MIKE: Do you shave or wax?

FURIOSA: Neither. Although I'm thinking of getting a Brazilian to protest Jeb Bush.

Furiosa starts to climb back in her War Rig.

MAD MIKE: Hey, I thought all you female action/adventure heroines secretly suffered from baby hunger. Didn't you see Avengers: Age of Ultron?

FURIOSA: I'm not the Black Widow and you're certainly not the Hulk. He's much larger...in every single way.

MAD MIKE: Now you've done it! You've insulted my manhood! You're so mean!

Mad Mike starts crying,

FURIOSA: Stop! I can't stand to see a grown man cry. Okay, I'll do it--I'll marry you.

MAD MIKE (slyly): You will?

FURIOSA: Yes.

Mad Mike immediately turns off the waterworks.

MAD MIKE: Terrific! Once we're married, I'll be head of the household, and you'll be my submissive helpmate, just the way God intended it to be. Then we'll go forth, be fruitful, and multiply. I want a big family--ten or twelve kids at least. Maybe we can even beat the Duggars' record! Well, what do you say?

Furiosa hits him in the lug nuts with a tire iron. The last vestige of Christianity collapses. Oh, what day! What a lovely day!