Huffpost Comedy
The Blog

Featuring fresh takes and real-time analysis from HuffPost's signature lineup of contributors

Robert Brenner Headshot

Star Trek Into Dark Ops: The Wrath of Snowden

Posted: Updated:

Scene 1: The Federation Security Agency archives. Night. A lowly young security contractor named KHAN steals into the archives. Moments later, the archives explode, spilling all of the FSA's juicy secrets all over the Intergalacticnet.

Scene 2: Starfleet Command. The next day. All of the top officers are gathered.

CAPTAIN KIRK: We've got to go after this guy! We can't let him get away with this!

MR. SPOCK: That may be easier said than done. Khan has fled to planet Hong Kong, in the China galaxy.

DR. MCCOY: The China galaxy! Jim, we can't go there! The Federation is already on the verge of cyberwar with the Chinese! One little incident, and--

ADMIRAL CLAPPER: We can't take any chances. We'll use unmarked drones to eliminate Khan. The Chinese will never be able to trace them back to the Federation. Above all, you must not speak to Khan directly--just blow him to kingdom come, then hightail it back to Starfleet Command.

KIRK: But--

CLAPPER: You have your orders, Captain.

KIRK: All right, but can your daughter the science hottie come with us?

Scene 3: The cargo bay of the starship Enterprise. The unmarked drones are being loaded on board. CAROL CLAPPER, daughter of ADMIRAL CLAPPER, is overseeing the procedure. She is a comely blond who for some inexplicable reason is dressed only in her underwear.

CHIEF ENGINEER SCOTT: I dinna like it, Captain! We don't know how these drones work! We don't even know what's inside them! One miscalculation, and my dilithium crystals could explode!

CAROL: Don't get your kilts in an uproar, Scotty. I'll handle everything. I may not look it, but I'm a trained physicist.

SCOTT: At least I'm wearing a kilt! Why dinna you wear any clothes?

SPOCK: I too am uncomfortable with this mission, Captain. Why did Admiral Clapper want us to kill Khan from a distance? Why doesn't he want us to at least try to take him alive? Most curious, why doesn't he want us to talk to him?

UHURA: Spock, we need to talk about our relationship. And why this skanky white bitch is in her underwear.

SPOCK: Uhura, now is not the time to...

UHURA: You better not be giving her any of your special nerve pinches, or I will cut off your skinny Vulcan tallywacker and feed it to a Gorn!

KIRK (ogling Carol): I'm sure everything is on the up and up. I wonder what you would look like with green skin and hair?

CAROL: Well, you aren't going to find out unless we first try to take Khan alive.

KIRK: Fine! We'll beam down to an enemy planet, crawling with hostile aliens, and snatch a dangerous fugitive! What's the worst that can happen?

Scene 4: Planet Hong Kong, in the China galaxy. After a long and bloody extradition battle, in which many Star Fleet lawyers perish, Khan meekly surrenders to Kirk and his crew.

Scene 5: The brig of the starship Enterprise.

KHAN: Don't you want to know why I did it? Don't you want to know why I gave up my comfy home in Hawaii and my pole-dancing girlfriend for the life of a fugitive?

KIRK: All I want to know is how soon I can get you back to Starfleet Command to stand trial. And how soon I can see Carol in some green bodypaint.

SPOCK: I would like to hear him out, Captain. It might give us some insight into his motivation.

UHURA: All I want to hear is how soon you're gonna put a ring on it. We may be traveling at warp speed, but this relationship is moving at strictly impulse drive. My vajayjay's not getting any younger, you know.

KHAN: I was hired by Starfleet Command for my computer expertise. After stardate 2001.9.11, they wanted to collect a vast database of all Federation citizens' Intergalacticnet data to see if they could identify any terrorists.

KIRK: That's ridiculous! Starfleet would never authorize massive spying on its own citizens like that! It violates the Federation constitution!

KHAN: Why don't you pop open one of the drones and find out for yourself?

MCCOY rushes in excitedly from sick bay.

MCCOY: Jim, I decided to bone up on my obstetrician skills, so I popped open one of the drones. It's filled with people's Intergalacticnet communication records--Spacebook, Googleplex, Tribbler, UniverseTube, MyBot. They're not space torpedoes--they're data mines!

UHURA: I knew there was something skanky about that white bitch.

CAROL: I suspected, but I didn't know. These hips wouldn't lie to you.

Suddenly, ADMIRAL CLAPPER appears on the communication screen.

CLAPPER: I told you not to speak to Khan. Now I'm going to have to kill all of you to keep my secret.

KIRK: Why'd you do it, Clapper?

CLAPPER: There's a cyberwar coming, Kirk. With the Chinese, the Iranians, the Borg--it doesn't matter. There's always a cyberwar coming. We have to be prepared to fight that cyberwar with the best weapons available.

SPOCK: Yes, but at what price, Admiral?

CLAPPER: Sometimes you have to destroy the Federation in order to save the Federation. Clap off!

CLAPPER claps his hands. The lights on the Enterprise start to dim.

SCOTT: He must have a kill switch! My dilithium crystals are cut off! The life-support systems are failing!

CAROL: Daddy!

CLAPPER: And put some clothes on, young lady! You'll catch your death of cold in the frozen vacuum of deep space!

What will happen to Kirk and his crew? Is Khan a hero or a traitor? And will Spock ever put a ring on it? Stay tuned for the next exiting episode--STAR TREK 3: THE SEARCH FOR INTELLIGENCE!