Super Congress Vs. Justice League

08/08/2011 05:28 pm ET | Updated Oct 08, 2011

In their secret underground headquarters, far beneath Capital Hill, the Super Congress gathers to deliberate:

FLASH: Sorry I'm late! That Beltway traffic is murder!

SUPERMAN: All right, let's come to order. As you know, Congress has abrogated its fiscal responsibilities, so it's up to us to identify $1.2 trillion in additional spending cuts.

BATMAN: Or revenue enhancements. Don't forget that.

SUPERMAN: Or revenue enhancements. Of course. Okay, who has some super ideas about how to reduce the budget?

HAWKMAN: I'm against any cuts to defense. It undermines national security.

MARTIAN MANHUNTER: I'm against any cuts to the space program. How am I ever going to get home if we don't go to Mars?

ATOM: I'm against any cuts to alternative energy spending, especially nuclear.

GREEN LANTERN: I'm against cuts to farm subsidies. Except corn. I can't tolerate yellow.

BLACK CANARY: I'm against any cuts to welfare spending.

SUPERMAN: But you're not black! That's just part of your secret identity. You're as white as I am.

BLACK CANARY: I'm still against cuts to welfare. And being black has nothing to do with it. There are plenty of white people on welfare these days.

WONDER WOMAN. I'm against cuts to Planned Parenthood.

SUPERMAN: Again with the Planned Parenthood. You already got gay marriage in half a dozen states. What else do you want -- free contraceptives?

GREEN ARROW: Why can't we just raise taxes on the rich? If we just repealed the Bush tax cuts, we would go a long way to reducing the deficit.

SUPERMAN: Figures a guy who's character is based on Robin Hood would want to sock it to the rich. Listen, people, we're superheroes, not community organizers. We fight crime, not redistribute the wealth.

BATMAN: Who said anything about redistributing wealth? I just want a balanced approach to debt reduction. Since when did you become such a mouthpiece for the rich?

SUPERMAN: Since Rupert Murdoch bought the Daily Planet. I know which side my solar radiation is buttered on. What do you care about the poor? You're a billionaire.

GREEN ARROW: Just like Reagan going to work for GE...

BATMAN: I may have been born into great wealth, but I never forget those less fortunate than me.

SUPERMAN: So you're FDR in a cowl now? When did Batman, the scourge of the underworld, become such a wuss?

BATMAN: I'd rather be FDR than Paul Ryan. When did you become so anti-working class? You sound more like Lex Luthor than Clark Kent. Your parents were small farmers.

SUPERMAN: Adopted parents. My biological parents were members of the Kryptonian elite.

WONDER WOMAN: That sure worked out well for Krypton.

SUPERMAN: I'm just saying nobody helped when I was growing up. I had to pull myself up by my own bootstraps...

BLACK CANARY: You could fly, had super strength, super speed, invulnerability, x-ray vision, heat vision, super hearing, super breath...

SUPERMAN: So? Let everyone get their own superpowers. How hard could it be? Expose them to radiation or something. Let them clean up the Fukushima nuclear plant. Flash, you've been silent since you got here. What do you think?

FLASH: I'm against any cuts to Medicare or Social Security.

SUPERMAN: What do you care about the elderly? We're comic book characters! We don't grow old like human beings do. I haven't aged a day sine 1938!

FLASH (unmasking himself): Because I'm not Barry Allen, the Silver Age Flash from Earth 1. I'm Jay Garrick, the Golden Age Flash from Earth 2, and member of the Greatest Generation.

SUPERMAN: So what? All that Greatest Generation stuff is overrated. I could have beaten Hitler with one hand tied behind my back if the Guardians of the Universe hadn't prevented me.

GREEN LANTERN: Hey, I work for the Guardians!

SUPERMAN: Shut up! Your movie tanked at the box office, so you don't get a vote. Listen, I may represent an extremist minority position, but I still hold the balance of power--like the Tea Party. Power rings, magic lassos, batarangs--I could still wipe the floor with you all--and you know it!

FLASH: That's okay. I anticipated your reaction. That's why I brought backup. Avengers Assemble!

The Avengers--Thor, Hulk, Iron Man, Captain America--teleport into the Super Congress's secret headquarters

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Now, Super Douche, or whatever the hell you call yourself, what were you saying about the Greatest Generation?