THE BLOG
10/14/2011 12:59 pm ET Updated Dec 14, 2011

The Romney Thing: It's Not Human ... Yet

In the frozen wasteland of Antarctica, a political scientist makes a terrifying discovery:

ROMNEY: Hi, I'm Mitt Romney! When I was Governor of Massachusetts, one of the bluest states in the nation, I supported corporate taxes, abortion rights, gay rights, gun control, and universal health care. Now that I'm trying to get the Republican nomination, I'm against all those things.

SCIENTIST: Oh my God! You're an alien -- okay, Mormon -- political shapeshifter that's been frozen in the ice since 2004 -- a millennium in politics. What do you want?

ROMNEY: What do I want? What does any other alien monster want? I want to conquer the world -- starting with becoming President of the United States. And I'm willing to say or do anything to achieve that goal.

SCIENTIST: But you're a flip flopper! How can people vote for you when they don't know what you stand for?

ROMNEY: I'm not a flip flopper. I'm a highly evolved political creature. I adapt and survive by absorbing the political DNA of whatever is around me. My kind has flourished for millions of years by jumping on whatever bandwagon comes along. Watch!

Romney devours a Tea Party member who had journeyed to the Antarctic to disprove the "myth" of global warming. He spits out the tricorn hat.

ROMNEY: See? Easy as cake.

SCIENTIST (trying not to throw up): Pie. The phrase is easy as pie.

ROMNEY: I'm still learning these human idioms. I'll get the hang of it. The point is I'm now a card carrying member of the Tea Party instead of a country club Republican. Watch!

Romney effortlessly morphs into a cross between Rick Perry and Michele Bachmann -- Bachmann's head on Perry's body.

ROMNEY: See? I've got Bachmann's brains and Perry's guns.

SCIENTIST: Okay, that might win you the Republican nomination, as long as Sarah Palin doesn't jump back into the race. She's already a cross between Bachmann and Perry. But what are you going to do in the general election? That's bound to scare away the independent voters and disaffected Democrats you need to win.

ROMNEY: Simple! I eat an unemployed white blue collar male, the voting block most dissatisfied with Obama, and turn into a defender of the working class.

Romney devours an unemployed factory worker who had wandered north searching for a job in igloo construction. He spits out the tool belt and transforms into a Joe Six Pack type -- complete with a six-pack of Budweiser growing out of his abdomen.

ROMNEY: Hey, look at me. I'm unemployed too! Would you like a cold one?

SCIENTIST: Uh, no thanks.

ROMNEY (shrugging): Suit yourself.

Romney plucks a beer from his abdomen, chugs it, and belches noisily.

ROMNEY: Buurrrrrrp!

SCIENTIST: No wonder the Obama campaign says you're weird.

ROMNEY: I can also do "ethnic." Watch!

Romney devours a disappointed black voter who has wandered north seeking true minority leadership among the Inuit. He transforms into Herman Cain, complete with a built-in pizza oven where his pie-hole should be.

ROMNEY (speaking through a mouthful of pizza): Would you like a slice of pepperoni to go with that beer?

SCIENTIST: Listen, this is all very well and good, but nobody's going to believe you're a friend of the working class. Back when you were a businessman, you specialized in laying off workers and exporting American jobs overseas.

ROMNEY: I only have to fool them until after election day. Then I can reveal my true form.

Romney morphs into a fat, slimy, Matt Taibbi-ish vampire squid.

ROMNEY: Remember when I said corporations were people? I wasn't just whistling Trixie.

SCIENTIST: Dixie.

ROMNEY: Whatever. And I happen to believe a little unemployment is a good thing. It helps squeeze out more productivity from the serfs. They're too busy worrying about their jobs to organize. Don't get your hopes up about those Occupy Wall Street freaks -- I've got a hearty appetite.

SCIENTIST: You'll never get away with it! I'll alert the news media, warn the general public...

ROMNEY: You know, you're pretty smart for a political scientist...

Romney devours the political scientist. He spits out the clip board.

ROMNEY: ...but pretty dumb for a human being. There's a time to analyze and there's a time to run like hell.

Romney transforms into a political scientist.

ROMNEY (picking up the blood-smeared clipboard): So, sir or madam, who are you planning to vote for...heh heh heh...


The End....Or Just The Beginning?