VENTURA: Good evening, fight fans! This is your host, Jesse "the Body" Ventura.
ROVE: And I'm your color commentator, Karl "the Brain" Rove.
VENTURA: We've got a real slobberknocker for you tonight! It's a three-way dance -- the Mighty Mitt Romney versus Rowdy Rick Perry versus Beautiful Michele Bachmann. The winner gets a title shot at Barack "Bam Bam" Obama in 2012.
ROVE: It should be an interesting match. Both Rowdy Rick and Beautiful Bachmann are Tea Party favorites. Do they gang up on Mighty Mitt or go after each other?
VENTURA: There's the bell! The candidates are circling around each other, looking for an opening. Romney is being cautious, saying he believes in evolution and global warming.
ROVE: He always was a scientific wrestler. But is that gonna be enough when these hardcore fans want blood -- or at least red meat? That's how Triple H -- Hunter Hearst Huntsman -- got eliminated.
VENTURA: Oh, that's gotta hurt! Rowdy Rick just leapfrogged over the Mighty Mitt in the polls!
ROVE: Mittens better take off the kid gloves and open up a can of whoopass on Perry, or he's through.
PERRY (addressing the announcers' table): You better keep your nose out of my business, Turd Blossom, or I'll beat you uglier than Big Ben Bernanke!
ROVE: Keep your mind on the match! And that's the Brain, not Turd Blossom!
VENTURA: There seems to be some bad blood between you and Rowdy Rick.
ROVE: I just don't like a traitor. I made him, took him under my wing, taught him everything he knows. When I found him, he was still a Democrat. Now he blames Diamond Dallas Bush for everything wrong in Texas before he became governor.
Suddenly, Heart's "Barracuda" blasts over the PA system. Patriotic images -- Ol' Glory, waves of amber grain, cracked Liberty Bells, etc. -- fill the JumboTron.
VENTURA: That entrance music! Could it be?
A bus roars into the stadium and screeches to a halt next to the ring. A familiar figure, clad in a red-white-and-blue Wonder Woman outfit, jumps up onto the ring apron.
VENTURA: Yes it is! Sarah "the Barracuda" Palin is here! But is she going to actually get in the ring, or just serve as an outside distraction?
ROVE: Okay, toots, make up your mind! In or out!
PALIN: You just shut your mouth, Turd Blossom! I'll decide when to get in the ring when I want to, you betcha!
VENTURA: You're Mr. Popularity around here, aren't you, Turd Blossom -- I mean the Brain. Wait a minute! Beautiful Bachmann is going over to the Barracuda. The two are exchanging words. They haven't been on the same page since they were in the Grizzly Mamas together.
ROVE: Wham! Beautiful Bachmann just knocked the Barracuda off the ring apron! The Barracuda's retaliating! She's pulling Beautiful Bachmann out by her shapely ankles! The two of them are rolling around on the floor, tearing each other's clothes off! Hold onto your hats, folks! This may have just turned into a bra and panties match!
Suddenly "Hail To The Chief" blares over the PA system. Hopey/changey images -- young people, black people, employed people, etc. -- fill the JumboTron.
VENTURA: That entrance music! Could it be? Yes it is! The heavyweight champion of the free world is here! Barack "Bam Bam" Obama is in the stadium!
Obama strides to the announcers' table, championship belt slung over one shoulder, Nobel Peace prize over the other, and takes a seat between Ventura and Rove.
VENTURA: Howdy, champ! What brings you here?
OBAMA: Howdy, Jess. How's it hangin', Turd Blossom? Just thought I'd check out the competition. I wanted to see which one of these jabronis I was going to lay the ol' Obama slamajama on in November.
ROVE: You're dreaming! No president has ever been re-elected with unemployment numbers this high! And it's "the Brain," not "Turd Blossom!"
OBAMA: Whatever you say, Turd Blossom. We had a saying back in Chicago, where I was bare knuckle champion: you can't beat somebody with a nobody. And right now the Republicans have nobody. That's why they keep hoping another candidate will jump in the ring, like Paul "the Rabid Wolverine" Ryan or Earthquake Chris Christie. Although of course if Christie jumped into the ring, the ring might collapse.
VENTURA: Hold on a minute, champ! The Texas Executioner, Rick Perry, has just taken an illegal foreign object out of his trunks!
ROVE: Is it a Mexican? He's soft on immigration, you know.
PERRY: I heard that, Turd Blossom!
VENTURA: No, it's a pistol! And he's pistol-whipping Romney with it! The ref sees it! He's signaling for the bell! That's it! Rowdy Rick's been disqualified! The Mighty Mitt wins on a DQ! But he's taken a terrible beating during the primaries -- even his hair is mussed! Will he be any shape for the general election?
OBAMA: Excuse me, Jesse.
Obama gets up leaves the announcers' table.
VENTURA: Hold on a sec, folks! Obama's climbed into the ring! Romney doesn't see him! Obama hits Romney from behind! Obama's got Mitt in his finishing move, the Obamacare package! Mitt's trying to wriggle out of it, but he can't escape! He's tapping out! Obama wins!
ROVE: Wait a minute, this wasn't even a sanctioned match!
VENTURA: But it's a good indicator of what's going to happen in November. Obama's definitely got momentum on his side. Well, that's all we have time for tonight. This is Jesse "the Body "Ventura --
ROVE: And Karl "the Turd Blossom," I mean "the Brain," Rove --
VENTURA: Saying so long. Remember, folks, politics may be fake, but professional wrestling is real! Good night!
Authors note: no actual politicians, living or dead, were injured in writing this piece.
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