THE BLOG

Broken News

05/12/2015 05:45 pm ET | Updated May 12, 2016

A television studio, occupied by the moderator, Wolf Spritzer, two commentators, Greta Insufferable and Sean Inanity, and tonight's chief guest, John Boner.

SPRITZER
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I am Wolf Spritzer and this is the Stimulation Room of CNN, Cable Nitwit News. We are taking a pause from our ceaseless investigation into the crash of Germanwings Airbus A320 after our endless investigation of Malaysian Flight 370 to bring you breaking news: Congress has made a revolutionary decision to return to Washington after its seven-and-a-half month hiatus. My guest tonight is Speaker of the House Congressman John Boner.  He sits on my right.

BONER
(Wincing at the mispronunciation of his name) HI.

SPRITZER
Also on my right is the  noted commentator from Twist the Facts News, Greta Insufferable...

GRETA
Good evening.

SPRITZER
... and to her right, another celebrated Twist the Facts commentator Sean Inanity. Twist the FACTS host, Bill Unruly sends regrets he couldn't be here tonight. He's in the Falklands searching for another wounded photographer to save.

SEAN
Why are we all sitting on your right?

SPRITZER
Because I want to be in the center. Now Congressman Boner, how do you explain your groundbreaking decision to bring Congress back to Washington this week after its seven-and-a-half month break. Was it because the cameras caught Democrat Representative George Miller on the floor of the House last Tuesday speaking to empty seats?

BONER
Whoa, there! A lot of Democrat seats were empty, too. 

SPRITZER
Because you declared a seven-and-a-half-month Congressional holiday. Are you saying you're going back to work now?

BONER
I wouldn't exaggerate the amount of time we are actually going to spend in Washington this week--just enough to block the Iran sellout and start impeachment proceedings against Barack Obama.

SPRITZER
So there's no chance the 114th Congress might pass some legislation this term?

BONER
None, whatever.

SEAN
Thank God.

GRETA
Is there any intention to reinvite Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu to Washington this year?

BONER
No, we have enough Republicans in Congress to insult the president as it is.

SEAN
Congressman Burner, how will you keep the Tea Party boiling if you manage to impeach Obama?

BONER
Oh, we have other tea kettle issues for the Tea Party.

SPRITZER
Such as?

BONER
Such as debunking all that atheistic propaganda about climate change.

GRETA
Sure, where in the Bible does it say anything about climate change?

SPRITZER
Have you spoken to anyone in Boston lately about the record blizzards?

SEAN
That's global warming?

SPRITZER
The icecaps are melting in the North pole.

BONER
I'm no scientist but they tell me it's normal for ice to melt.

SPRITZER
Any other pressing issues to keep Congress in Washington for a while?

BONER
Outlawing abortion. Prohibiting contraception. Banning smelly armpits.

GRETA
(Recoiling from Boner's armpits) Amen to all.

BONER
And abolishing same-sex marriage and self-abuse. 

SEAN
(Taking his hands out from under the table) And amen to that.

SPRITZER
Don't you also have a problem with welfare? I thought that was a thorny issue with the ultra-Right.

BONER
Absolutely. No healthy economy can tolerate welfare cheats who get paid for not working.

SPRITZER
How would you define a "welfare cheat."

BONER
Anyone who stays home while continuing to collect money from the government.

SPRITZER
(Loaded silence)

BONER
Are you looking at me?

SPRITZER
The house was in session only 130 days this past year. Wouldn't you call that a seven-and-a-half month paid vacation?

BONER
Even politicians need time once in a while to reflect on issues, and to meet with their constituents.

SEAN
I'm with you all the way on that, Congressman Blender. But I wish the Republicans could have stayed in Washington a little longer to legislate some tax breaks for the 1 percent. The wealthier classes are being oppressed enough from threats of regulation, not to mention editorials and op ed columns .

GRETA
And what about Obamacare? Republicans can't sit passively by and watch the Democratic administration spend federal money on free medicine. That's the path to socialism.

SEAN
Well, Obama is a socialist. He picked up that ideology from his radical countrymen in Africa.

SPRITZER
Wasn't he born in Hawaii?

SEAN
I don't know. One of those un-American places.

SPRITZER
A final question, Congressman Boner.

BONER
Yes?

SPRITZER
Why don't you ever smile? You seem to be miserable even when you're happy.

BONER
I smiled once. And I have videotapes to prove it. When Bibi Netanyahu addressed Congress in March. 

SPRITZER
And apart from that?

BONER
What's to smile about? The opposition party still controls the presidency. And we have so little time left before the 2016 election to smear Hillary.

SEAN
Well, what about her email problem? Conducting government affairs with a personal server is a sneaky way of hiding the facts.

GRETA
Bill Clinton conducted government affairs with a personal server.

SEAN
Different kind of affairs. Different kind of server.

SPRITZER
(Pressing his earpiece and listening) Wait a minute! Wait a minute! There's some Breaking News about Germanwings Airbus Flight A320.

SEAN
What is it? What is it?

SPRITZER
(Disappointed) That there won't be any more breaking news about Germanwings Airbus Flight A320.

GRETA
So soon? CNN was able to report on Malaysian Flight 370 every night for over two years.

SPRITZER
They found the black box, and identified the co-pilot as the perpetrator. We can only spend two months reviewing his psychiatric history.

SEAN
(Consoling him) Don't worry. There'll be another plane crash before long. Maybe with even more dead passengers strewn around.

SPRITZER
(Crying) Never with the lasting appeal of Malaysian Flight 370 and Germanwings Airbus Flight A320.

(They all come over to comfort him.)

GRETA
There. There.

SPRITZER
I'm alright. Thanks.

SEAN
You can count on us, Wolf. Any time you have an airline catastrophe, we'll be there for you.

SPRITZER
Thanks for those good words. (Drying his eyes) Well, I am afraid we've far exceeded our allotted air time with House Speaker John Boner so we'll now take a half hour break for a Geico commercial.

GRETA
What's up after the Gekko, Wolf?

SPRITZER
Some Breaking News about the never-ending consequences of the crash of the Hindenburg Zeppelin LZ 129 in 1937. 

SEAN
Really? What news?

SPRITZER
They still haven't found the black box. Well, thanks on the part of all our viewers to Sean Inanity, Greta Insufferable, and, of course, our distinguished Congressional leader, Congressmen John Boner.

ALL
Thank you, Wolf. A pleasure to be on the program. See you soon, etc.

BONER
By the way, Wolf, I have some breaking news for you.

SPRITZER
(Eagerly). Yes?

BONER
Tomorrow I intend to crash my government jet into the Potomac. That should catch your attention for a few years, and encourage newscasters to pronounce my name correctly.

GRETA, SEAN, WOLF
(Together) Binder? Baloney? Bender? Blender? (Etc.)

BLACKOUT