THE BLOG

Broken News

03/26/2015 12:43 pm ET | Updated May 26, 2015

(A television studio, occupied by the moderator, Wolf Spritzer, two commentators, Greta Insufferable and Sean Inanity, and tonight's chief guest, John Boner.)

SPRITZER
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another edition of Breaking News. We are taking a pause from our ceaseless investigation into the crash of Germanwings Airbus A320 after our ceaseless investigation of Malaysian Flight 370 to bring you  Breaking News: Congress' revolutionary decision to return to Washington after its seven-and-a-half month vacation. My guest tonight is Speaker of the House Congressman John Boner.  He sits on my right.

BONER
HI.

SPRITZER
Also on my right is the  noted commentator from Twist the Fox [Facts] News, Greta Insufferable...

GRETA
Good evening.

SPRITZER
...and to her right another celebrated Twist the Fox commentator Sean Inanity. Twist the Facts host, Bill Unruly sends regrets he couldn't be here tonight. He's in the Falklands looking for another wounded photographer to save.

SEAN
Why are we all sitting on your right?

SPRITZER
Because I'm the only one in the center. Now Congressman Boner, how do you explain your groundbreaking decision to bring Congress back to Washington this week  after its seven-and-a-half month break. Was it because the cameras caught Democrat Representative George Miller on the floor of the House last Tuesday speaking to empty seats?

BONER
Whoa, there! A lot of Democrat seats were empty, too. 

SPRITZER
Because you declared a seven-and-a-half-month  Congressional holiday. Are you saying that's over now?

BONER
I wouldn't exaggerate the amount of time we are actually going to spend in Washington this week--just enough to block the Iran sellout and start Impeachment proceedings against Obama.

SPRITZER
So there's no chance the 113th Congress might pass some legislation this term?

BONER
None, whatever.

SEAN
Thank God.

GRETA
Will there be any time when you can  invite Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu to Washington again?

BONER
No, we have enough Republicans in Congress to insult the President for him.

SEAN
How will you keep the Tea Party boiling if you manage to impeach Obama?

BONER
Oh, we have other boiling issues for the Tea Party.

SPRITZER
Such as?

BONER
Such as debunking all that atheistic propaganda about climate change...

GRETA
Sure, where in the Bible does it say anything about climate change?

SPRITZER
Have you spoken to anyone in Boston lately?

SEAN
About global warming?

SPRITZER
The icecaps are melting in the North pole.

BONER
I'm no scientist but they tell me it's normal for ice to melt.

SPRITZER
Any other pressing issues to keep Congress in Washington for a while?

BONER
Outlawing abortion. Prohibiting contraception. Banning smelly armpits.

GRETA
Amen to all.

BONER
And abolishing masturbation and  same-sex marriage. 

SEAN
As called for in the Scriptures.

SPRITZER
Don't you also have a problem with Welfare?  I thought that was a big issue on the Right.

BONER
Absolutely. No healthy economy can tolerate welfare cheats who get paid for not working.

SPRITZER
How would you define a "welfare cheat."

BONER
Anyone who stays home from his job while continuing to collect salary checks from the government.

SPRITZER
(Loaded silence)

BONER
Are you looking at me?

SPRITZER
The house was in session only 130 days this past year. Wouldn't you call that a seven-and-a-half month paid vacation?

BONER
Even politicians need time once in a while to reflect on issues, and to meet with their constituents.

SEAN
I'm with you all the way on that, Congressman Boner. But I wish  the Republicans could have stayed in Washington a little longer to legislate some tax breaks for the one-percent. The wealthier classes are suffering enough from threats of regulation, not to mention a bad press.

GRETA
And what about Obamacare? Republicans can't sit passively by and watch the Democrat administration spend Federal money on free medicine. That's the path to Socialism.

SEAN
Well, Obama is a Socialist. He picked up that radical ideology from where he came from in Africa.

SPRITZER
Wasn't he born in Hawaii?

SEAN
One of those anti-American places.

SPRITZER
A final question, Congressman Boner.

BONER
Yes?

SPRITZER
Why don't you ever smile? You seem to be miserable even when you're happy.

BONER
I smiled once. And I have videotapes to prove it. When Bibi Netanyahu addressed Congress in March. 

SPRITZER
And apart from that?

BONER
What's to smile about? The opposition Party still controls the Presidency. And we have so little time left to smear Hillary before the 2016 election.

SEAN
Yes, what about her email problem? Conducting government business with private resources can be a way of hiding the facts.

GRETA
What about Bill Clinton? He used government resources to conduct his private business.

SPRITZER
(Pressing his earpiece and listening) Wait a minute! Wait a minute! There's some Breaking News about Germanwings Airbus Flight A320.

SEAN
What is it? What is it?

SPRITZER
(Disappointed) There's won't be more news.

GRETA
So soon? It took two years for CNN to give up on Malaysian Flight 370.

SPRITZER
They found the black box.

SEAN
(Patting his back) Don't worry. There'll be another plane crash before long. Maybe with more dead passengers.

SPRITZER
(Crying) Not with the lasting appeal of Malaysian Flight 370 and Germanwings Airbus Flight A320.

(They all come over to comfort him.)

GRETA
There. There.

SPRITZER
I'm alright. Thanks.

SEAN
You can count on us, Wolf. Any time you have an airline catastrophe, we'll be there for you..

SPRITZER
Thanks for those good words. (Drying his eyes) Well, I am afraid we've far exceeded our allotted air time with House Speaker John Boner which is why we'll now take a half hour break for a Geico commercial. Please don't feed the salamander. 

GRETA
What's up after the commercial, Wolf?

SPRITZER
Some Breaking News about the continuing reverberations of the crash of the Hindenburg Zeppelin LZ 129 in 1937. 

SEAN
Too bad Hitler wasn' t on it.

SPRITZER
Well, thanks on the part of all our viewers to Sean Inanity, Greta Insufferable, and, of course, our distinguished Congressional leader, Congressmen John Boner.

ALL
Thank you, Wolf. A pleasure to be on the program. See you soon, etc.

BONER
By the way, Wolf,  I  have some breaking news for you.

SPRITZER
(Eagerly). Yes?

BONER
Your Breaking News is broken. My name's pronounced Boehner.

BLACKOUT