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Gun Play

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Scene: The teller's window of a local bank in Tombstone, Arizona. A well-dressed man walks up to the window, where the teller is counting cash, puts a gun to his forehead, and speaks:

ROBBER
I am a bank robber, and this is a holdup. Hand over your cash.

TELLER
(The Teller takes out his gun and puts it to the robber's forehead) Well, I am a police officer, and this is an arrest. Hand over your weapon.

ROBBER
You're a cop? What are you doing behind a bank window in Tombstone pretending to be a teller?

TELLER
The kids are on vacation. Usually, I"m in the school corridors, pretending to be a teacher. Your weapon, please.

ROBBER
You have no constitutional right to expropriate a privately-owned hand gun.

TELLER
I do if you bring it into a bank.

ROBBER
I am one of the 4.3 million dues-paying, card-carrying members of the National Rifle Association, which says that citizens have the right to carry weapons into all public areas.

TELLER
I thought the NRA was ONLY interested in sporting arms.

ROBBER
That's right.

TELLER
So what are you hunting in the Tombstone National Bank? Goldfish?

ROBBER
I did hear that deer were plentiful in this area.

TELLER
And that's why you're carrying a magazine-loaded semi-automatic pistol -- to hunt for game?

ROBBER
No, to defend myself against perpetrators.

TELLER
And how would you define a perpetrator?

ROBBER
Anyone who aims a gun at me. Our Chairman, Wayne LaPierre, says that the only way to prevent armed violence is for the good guys to shoot the bad guys.

TELLER
Yeah, but if both have guns in their hands, how can you tell the difference? Why don't you lower your weapon, and I'll put down mine and then we can discuss this issue like rational gun owners.

ROBBER
Okay.

(Carefully, they lay their weapons down on the counter)

ROBBER
I am glad you are beginning to show some respect for my sacred Second Amendment rights.

TELLER
The Constitution doesn't give you a sacred right to rob banks.

ROBBER
Maybe not, but it guarantees me the sacred right of self-protection.

TELLER
Where does it guarantee you that?

ROBBER
(Reciting by rote) "A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed."

TELLER
You've completely misunderstood that clause.

ROBBER
(Startled) What do you mean?

TELLER
It's a misprint. At this very moment the Supreme Court is considering a case arguing that the Second Amendment has nothing to do with weaponry.

ROBBER
(Incredulous) "The right to bear arms?"

TELLER
There's the misprint. The Second Amendment doesn't guarantee a right to "bear" arms, allowing men to carry weapons, but rather a right to "bare" arms," allowing women to walk abroad freely in short sleeve jerseys.

ROBBER
You're saying it's not about shooters... ?

TELLER
It's about hooters.

ROBBER
You're kidding me. What does a well-regulated militia have to do with exposing female flesh?

TELLER
How else can a militia be well-regulated?

ROBBER
Well, until the Supreme Court decides on this case, it is still legal for me to carry my gun in self-defense.

TELLER
Not if it results in the death of innocent civilians from people with psychiatric disorders.

ROBBER
You think I'm a psycho?

TELLER
How would I know?

ROBBER
Then you should arrest my mother. She was the one that let me play video games as a kid.

TELLER
Video games don't kill people. Guns kill people.

ROBBER
No, people kill guns. Read Wayne LaPierre.

TELLER
What are you talking about?

ROBBER
Our Chairman, Wayne LaPierre, says that you Liberal pussies are trying to abolish guns in this country.

TELLER
Yes, because guns kill people.

ROBBER
No, people kill people. The state of Arizona, which has twenty percent more automatic weapons per capita than anywhere else in the world, has 6.3 percent fewer murders.

TELLER
Actually, it has 6.3 percent more murders.

ROBBER
Where did you get that?

TELLER
Police records.

ROBBER
Liberal propaganda.

TELLER
Look, we can't stand here arguing this with pistols pointed at each others' brains. Why don't we holster our weapons, and discuss this issue over a beer?

ROBBER
Okay with me, so long as you don't try to arrest me. Otherwise, I'll be obliged to exercise my Constitutional rights and shoot you.

TELLER
Well, you haven't committed a crime yet, only attempted one, and I'm the only witness. So let's go to our local bar and look for some bare arms.

ROBBER
Great. What's this place called?

TELLER
The O.K. Corral.

ROBBER
(Enthusiastic) Okay!!!

(They shake)

BLACKOUT