THE BLOG
02/01/2011 12:44 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Sarah in Blunderland or the Mad Hater's Tea Party

(A table set under a tree. Starched Hair and the Mad Hater throwing teacups at each other.

Enter Sarah, dressed as Alice.)

THE MAD HATER
Who are you? Get out. There's no more room at this Tea Party!

SARAH
My name is Sarah. And you must be the Mad Hatter, though you look an awful lot like Bill O'Reilly.

THE MAD HATER
I'm not the Mad Hatter. I'm the Mad Hater. And there's no more room!

SARAH
Isn't this Wonderland?

THE MAD HATER
You're way off. Wonderland is over there on the left bank of nowhere. This place is called Blunderland.

SARAH
If you're the Mad Hater, then I guess your friend is the March Hare, though he looks an awful lot like Glen Beck.

STARCHED HAIR
My name is Starched Hair, if you please. And I say, Off with your head!

SARAH
That's the Queen of Hearts's line, Off with your head. Anyway, I need my head to support my brains.

THE MAD HATER
There's no room here for Red Queens or any other Commie sympathizers.

STARCHED HAIR
No room, no room!

SARAH
Where I hail from, there's plenty of room! Living space is what makes our country exceptionalist. (And she plunks herself down in one of the armchairs) Open country. Fresh air. Wide sea lanes. Drill, baby, drill.

THE MAD HATER
Silence. I'm the only one around here allowed to rant and rave. Except for me, this is a quiet retreat.

SARAH
Never retreat. Advance! Reload!

STARCHED HAIR
Now you're talking language I can understand. Here, have a cup of tea.

SARAH
(Eagerly pouring) You betcha!

THE MAD HATER
You betcha! Aha, now I know who you are. The lady who draws gun sights on elected officials supporting health care.

SARAH
Gun sights?! That's a blood libel.

THE MAD HATER
What's a blood libel?

SARAH
Anything the liberal media prints about me.

STARCHED HAIR
So you never drew cross hairs over the faces of your political enemies?

SARAH
Those weren't cross hairs, they were surveyor symbols.

THE MAD HATER
I can tell a gun sight from a house site. And they were cross hairs!

SARAH
Surveyor symbols!

THE MAD HATER
Why deny it? A well-regulated militia being necessary to a free state, the people have a right to bear arms and draw cross hairs.

STARCHED HAIR
Speaking of bare arms, cover yours up. This is a Tea Party, not a strip joint.

SARAH
Whatdya mean strip joint? Everyone knows my opposition to stripping, petting, smooching, necking, cheating, pre-marital sex, and any illegal abortions resulting from same.

THE MAD HATER
What kind of sex do you favor?

SARAH
Total abstinence.

STARCHED HAIR
Is that a new sex position?

SARAH
No, it is an exercise of restraint--except when legally married people want to make a baby.

STARCHED HAIR
What about the legally unmarried?

SARAH
Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder.

THE MAD HATER
Whatever your prejudice against cross hairs, why disarm our brave boys in uniform by painting surveyor symbols on their M16 rifle scopes.

SARAH
Surveyor symbols are very accurate within a thousand feet of the target.

STARCHED HAIR
Depends on the target you're surveying.

SARAH
The whole range of our blessed nation, from the Kobuk River to Bristol Bay.

THE MAD HATER
Is that the whole range of our blessed nation, the Kobuk River to Bristol Bay? Whatever happened to Hoboken?

SARAH
I'm talking Alaska!

STARCHED HAIR
Welcome to Blunderland! You are obviously the sort of dunderhead who belongs here.

SARAH
People got no right to say I'm a dunderhead just because I look at some things different.

STARCHED HAIR
You're right! And you can keep your seat at the table. You're obviously as mad as we are. (She sits down)

SARAH
I didn't know this was your table. It's laid for a great many more.

THE MAD HATER
We're expecting a great many more. (Pause) Your hair needs cutting.

SARAH
You should learn not to make rude personal remarks about my hair or my arms. Leave that to the liberal media.

THE MAD HATER
The liberal media needs cutting, too. Here's a riddle. Why is an Alaskan grizzly like a writing desk?

SARAH
Let me guess. Because they both have quills?

STARCHED HAIR
Don't guess. Say what you mean.

SARAH
I mean what I say.

THE MAD HATER
All right, what did you mean when you said that the President should refudiate the Grand Mosque on Ground Zero? What were you thinking when you said you had misunderestimated him?

SARAH
I admit I wee-weed up the language a little there. But remember, Shakespeare was also inventing new words all the time.

STARCHED HAIR
Who's Shakespeare?

SARAH
A speechwriter for English kings.

THE MAD HATER
You belong here, all right. You have my personal permission to tickle Starched Hair.

STARCHED HAIR
No, please don't tickle me. If you need amusement, shoot more caribou from your chopper.

SARAH
That would be so fun. Come join me for a tour of Sarah's Alaska.

THE MAD HATER
What's to see?

SARAH
Salmon. Halibut. Marine life. Blackened by charcoal and swimming in oil.

STARCHED HAIR
No land?

SARAH
Of course land. I can see Russia from my third floor window.

STARCHED HAIR
You got sharp eyes.

SARAH
You betcha!

THE MAD HATER
When you next see Russia, tell it to leave Georgia alone.

SARAH
Every red-blooded American supports the invasion of Georgia. Didn't Abraham Lincoln invade Georgia?

STARCHED HAIR
Don't trouble your pretty little head, hair, or arms about history or geography. Just stick to Alaska.

SARAH
Alaska is my state of mind. Drill, baby, drill! (Looking at The Mad Hater's watch.) What a funny watch. It tells the day of the month, but doesn't say what time it is.

THE MAD HATER
That's because it's always tea time in Blunderland.

SARAH
So that's the reason for all the teacups on the table.

THE MAD HATER
Yes, and because there's no time to wash up in between.

SARAH
Then you'll have to move this tea party somewhere else?

THE MAD HATER
Exactly.

SARAH
Where?

STARCHED HAIR
To that bigger Blunderland called Washington. Do you think you're ready for that?

SARAH
My voices tell me God has a mission for me there.

THE MAD HATER
What mission?

SARAH
To brew the next big tureen of tea. But I would never presume to know God's will or speak God's words. All I know is that the good Lord wants me to abolish health care, obliterate social security, dissolve trade unions, prevent illegal unions, and criminalize premarital sex, meanwhile keeping a close eye on Russia from my window in Wasilla.

STARCHED HAIR
Okay, you've been chosen. A pious homegrown patriot with her own personal arsenal. What better replacement for that anti-American Muslim impostor from the warmongering state of Hawaii.

THE MAD HATER
Pack up the tea things and stow them in the bunker. We're moving this Blunderland Tea Party to the White House.

STARCHED HAIR
Immediately.

THE MAD HATER
Indubitably.

STARCHED HAIR
Inevitably.

THE MAD HATER
Irretrievably.

SARAH
I getcha! You betcha! Good to have metcha!

(They embrace)

BLACKOUT